It’s Raining Men…and…and Serial Killers…and Cheese

Posted on February 25, 2011 by purrrentice

Happy Friday! Since I finished my song already and Joie finished the illo, we’re ahead of the game. Throw-in the iced coffee I just drank and BAM! Early blog post!

I wrote a bunch of beauty reviews about eye shadow this week. I don’t quite get paying a ton of money for eye color, but oh well. I also wrote a blog about skincare for dudes. Here it is!

I’m ready to make some changes this week. I’ve started taking steps to run away from this desk and never look back. Maybe I’ll be a makeup artist. I do enjoy using my face as a canvas, so painting on other people could be fun. I can also practice on Mr. Prentice first! It would also offer a more Prentice-friendly and Writer-friendly lifestyle.

I thought it was Skinny & Sweet! I swear!

A coworker of mine had a dream about me last weekend.I was a mass murderer, and I asked him to be my POC. As I laced people’s coffee with poison dispensed from my watering can for office plants, I told him that the world was evil, and it was our duty to weed-out the bad people. Completely convinced, he assisted me, and we got away with it because the poison was undetectable and slow working, and people were not dropping dead immediately after their morning coffee. This is the same coworker who said he recognizes my walk, not because of my squeaky shoes, but rather because of my gait. This guy is pretty dang cool, and that dream reminded me of my life mashed-up with the movie Nine to Five.

On to the fridge song. I actually chose the song last week and finished it yesterday. It is a parody of my very favorite song:

I don’t care what anybody says. It’s Raining Men is the best song ever written. I have a mental disability that when I hear It’s Raining Men, I have to sing it, especially if it’s karaoke. This is involuntary, and I embrace this chronic disease of mine. Seriously, I could be dead, and if you cranked It’s Raining Men on a karaoke machine by my grave, Zombie Prentice would rise-up and sing along.

Very bad picture by Prentice Osborne....definitely not by Joie Brown!

Without further ado, here it is, accompanied with a marvelous illustration by the amazing Joie Brown:

It’s Raining Cheese

The resemblance is uncanny. Joie even depicted my fab collar bones, slighty messy office bed head, my love of peep toe pumps and my flat space between my boobies. A++

 
Hi – hi! It’s your receptionist. Uh-huh!
And have I got news for you! You better listen!
Get ready, all you office peeps,
and take all your leftovers home! All right!

Friday is ending. Oooh! Ending!
It’s just about time to go. To go! Uh Oh!
According to my sources, What sources, now?
the fridge’s the place to go! You better hurry-up!

Cuz tonight for the first time,
when I clean the ice box sleaze,
for the first time in history,
it’s gonna start raining cheese!

It’s raining cheese! Hallelujah!
It’s raining cheese! Oh Geez!
I’m gonna go out. I’m gonna go out and get,
some crackers, wine  and a baguette!

Cuz it’s raining cheese! Hallelujah!
It’s raining cheese, every type you please.
Blue, American and Cheddah!
Brie and Gouda! Parmesan and Feta!

Bless the receptionist!
She loves herself some fondue!
She took from the break room,
and she did what she had to do.

Tossed-out your old lunches!
She gotta dumpster dive,
so your fridge is freakin’ spotless,
by four forty five!

It’s raining cheese! Hallelujah!
It’s raining cheese! Oh Geez!

It’s raining cheese! Hallelujah!
It’s raining cheese! Oh Geez!

It’s Raining cheeeeeeeeeeese!

Posted in 9 to 5, blogging, chores, executives, hip hop, Illustrator, It's Raining Men, Makeup Reviews, murder mystery, office, parody, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, Uncategorized, watercolor, Weather Girls, writing, Zombies | 3 Comments

Refrigeratorville ~ Prenny Buffett Needs a Vacation

Posted on February 23, 2011 by purrrentice

Happy Thursday, Y’all. Wait. It’s only Wednesday? Crap.

I want to make this post, but I rather be on the coast. Oh my gatos! I need a break! Since I can’t afford a vacation on my measly receptionist wages, we can all go to Refrigeratorville instead.

RefrigeratorVille

Illustrated by the fabulous Joie Brown while she was bored at work one day

Throwing-out sponge cake,
Tossed Philly cheese steak,
with some paper plate that’s covered in foil.
You did not eat the whole thing,
so now it is molding.
Smell that shrimp! It’s beginning to spoil!

Cleaning at five fifteen in RefrigeratorVille.
Gonna chunk your lost shaker of salt…salt…salt…salt.
Some people claim there’s a receptionist to blame,
but I think…it isn’t my fault.

You may think it treason,
but I had my reasons,
to discard your leftover pork of Moo Shoo.
It is my sworn duty,
to dump your food booty.
Why you left it here? I haven’t a clue.

Cleaning at five fifteen in RefrigeratorVille.
Gonna chunk your lost shaker of salt…salt…salt…salt.
Some people claim there’s a receptionist to blame,
Shame on you! It’s your own dang fault!

 

Posted in blogging, chores, Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville, office, Palm Trees, receptionist, refrigerator, Shaker of Salt, shenanigans, Uncategorized, writing | 1 Comment

Epic Ballads from an Epic Writer…

Posted on February 19, 2011 by purrrentice

Happy Saturday, Everybody! I wanted to sleep-in this morning, but since I crashed so early last night (I was ill, tired and kinda melancholy), I’m up for now. I do feel much better after the extra sleep though.

This week was about the same as last week with a couple exceptions. First, I made the mistake of not going to the gay bar to see my favorite show, RuPaul’s Drag Race. Queens always make me feel good about myself, and I should not skip doses, even for the itis after Tasty China on Valentine’s Day.  I did a promotion this week, and it made me feel great and sad at the same time. The job itself makes me feel healthier and happier, but it in turn emphasizes my office misery. I went to Chow Baby for the first time ever, and wow. Just wow. Sooooo much stir fry! It made my cold exponentially better. Lastly, I plan to audition to be Purina’s Cat Lady. I love promos. I love cats, and I love writing and talking about cats. I must try!!!! (shakes fist in the air dramatically)

For this week’s fridge poem, I decided to add a chapter to my Ballad of a Salad series. It is now a trilogy, an epic trilogy!I love these little guys, so  here are all three together for the first time ever:

The Ballad of a Salad

In an unassuming kitchen,
Far away, not long ago,
A hero was created,
Of lettuce, cheese and tomato.

Sheathed in the strongest Tupperware,
This salad did not fear,
Leaving his quaint homeland,
For a thrilling new frontier.

He got lost within an icebox cave,
For there was no escape.
And as he fumbled through the fridge,
He met a fruit named Lady Grape.

They huddled close in darkness,
For endless days and hours,
Until the door was open,
By a giant with great powers.

The salad drew his spork sword,
Ready for an epic fight,
But his efforts proved quite fruitless,
As the giant snatched the knight

And ripped apart his armor.
Then chucked the duo with a thump,
Into  a wretched holding cell,
To the treacherous dungeon dump.

The salad and sweet, Lady Grape,
Together came to understand,
That they had both been vanquished,
And they wilted, hand-in-hand.

But from their tragic travesty,
Love and valor surpasses.
A flower rises from their junkyard grave,
Like a phoenix from the ashes.

 

Ballad of a Salad II: Caesar’s Revenge

From the birthplace of our salad hero,
there was born another,
of his mother’s lettuce flesh.
The salad had a brother!

Though of the same greenery,
the youngest was a different spawn,
with croutons and anchovy dressing,
bespeckled with Parmesan.

This salad’s name was Caesar.
When he saw his sibling’s cover,
an empty Tupperware, he screamed,
“I will avenge you, Brother!”

In his brother’s plastic armor,
Brave Caesar was then sheathed,
and taken to an office fridge,
a place not to be believed.

It was a dark and icy cavern,
inhabited by foods forgotten.
They knew nothing of his brother,
but they feared a giant, rough and rotten!

“I hear it comes this Friday,
and will violently evict us!”
Cried a Lovely Smoothie,
made with Soy and Eucalyptus.

Caesar said, “I hold no sword,
but I have lethal ninja skills!
I’ll save you, my dear lady,
and this monster I shall kill!”

The duo waited patiently,
in cold for hours and days.
The fridge door finally broke ajar,
in a bright, fluorescent blaze.

The Caesar Salad Samurai,
kicked and punched and chopped,
until he saw two giants’ shadows,
and he held a stance and stopped.

The giants rumbled loudly,
before a hand came from above,
and snatched-up fearless Caesar,
and his newfound, Smoothie love.

The taker was his maker,
Caesar knew they’d soon be eaten,
but at least he found his soul mate,
and considered the giant beaten!

Ballad of a Salad III: The Healthy Heroine

Our salad brother heroes,
had a sister, quite the beauty.
Made of fruit and low fat yogurt,
she was tangy, sweet and fruity.

Sibling Caesar Salad’s homecoming,
entailed epic, courageous tales,
of battles, love and valor,
and fridges and trash pails.

Stars shown in Fruit Salad’s blueberry eyes,
and she felt a sudden yearning,
for purpose and adventure,
and her passion started burning.

So to the office fridge she went,
against her brother’s wishes.
He feared she’d meet their brother’s fate,
thrown-out with plastic dishes.

In a crisper drawer,
she met a lonely soda pop,
and together they climbed the fridges heights,
up to the tippy top.

Atop there was a scenic view,
of fridge shelves, white and clear.
There also was a village,
whose skittish dwellers quaked with fear.

A monster would be coming soon,
named  Reap Satan Nist.
Without a magic miracle,
it would crush them with its fists!

“Fear not, my friends!”
The banana laden lady then assured,
“I will find the answer, kill the beast,”
“of this, you have my word!”

Into a freezing labyrinth,
the soda and salad  entered.
It was rumored to be perilous,
with a secret in the center.

The duo twisted and turned for days,
and fought abominable, iced undead.
The center had a eerie glow,
from a weapon overhead.

Lady Fruit Salad grabbed the staff,
a chopstick with great powers.
She knew with the magic and her skills,
she’d make Reap Satan Nist cower!

They returned to the town Friday at dusk.
The magic chopstick flashed.
Fruit Salad twirled and slammed the rod,
and screamed “YOU SHALL NOT TRASH!”

Silence filled the Frigidaire,
until broken with relief and laughter.
Reap Satan Nist did not appear,
and snacks lived happily ever after.

Was it our Fruit Salad heroine’s magic,
or was Reap Satan Nist on vacation?
Either way, for another week,
the fridge was a joyous, moldy nation!

 

Posted in Apples, Ballad, banana, blogging, cats, chores, Epic, inspiration, office, poetry, receptionist, refrigerator, RuPauls Drag race, Salad, shenanigans, Valentine's Day, writing | 2 Comments

Happy Discounted Candy Day!

Posted on February 15, 2011 by purrrentice
Happy Discounted Candy Day, Everyone! Clearance goodies on February 15th are one of two reasons I don’t consider Valentine’s Day a waste, the second reason being that it helps our sluggish economy. I mean, people spend a lot of money on this “holiday” with presents and dinner. One of my coworkers full-heartedly expected either a diamond bracelet or an iPad, and she sounded so bratty about it. “He better have gotten me either the bracelet or the iPad, but we’ll se when I get home.” Sheesh. I’m a happily…no…extatically married woman, and I STILL think Valentine’s Day is lame. I love Mr. Prentice every day. We went out for authentic Chinese food (I tried spicy and numbing flavor for the first time) and ate chocolates my mommy sent us with free coffee from QT. It’s not fancy, but we had fun!

The building office management peeps sent our business a box of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins as a treat yesterday, so after I picked a blueberry one from the box, I sent this mass e-mail to let my coworkers know:

♥Through the sentimental gift of breakfast,
our building management wants to say,
have a Dunkin Donuts donut hole,
and a fabulous Valentine’s Day!♥

Last year,  I expressed my love for…umm…I guess my creativity and office sanity…definitely not my love of work or cleaning at work, the only way I know how. I wrote a sonnet from the fridge to the trash can. These star-crossed lovers only get to meet once a week, when I clean the fridge, and the fridge finally mustered the courage to express his fiery, undying love of the beautiful trash receptacle across the room. When I saw what Mr. Fridge wrote, I was moved to tears, so touched that I forwarded it to my coworkers. Joie was also inspired and sketched a quick pic to accompany the piece:

Break Room Love: A Sonnet from the Fridge to the Trash Can 

 

Such a cute couple!

Say I to you, my garbage pail so fair,
frigid and icy my innards may be,
my heart melts when thou comes and sits next to me,
whilst brushing my cheek with plastic bag hair.

 When Friday draws nigh, I sing with a prayer,
for the receptionist soon shall bring thee,
by my side, as she readies to clean me.
Her coworkers’ mess feeds our love affair.

 My soul, like the heat of a thousand stoves,
is an insatiable, passionate fire!

 Our flirtations afar give me obscene,
dreams of our rendezvous at five fifteen.

 I, The Fridge, love you with a thirst so dire,
no Friday cleaning shall slake my desire!

This is an example of one of my pieces that I was very proud of that none of my coworkers really seemed that impressed by. I put so much passion and work into this sonnet, but it’s usually the pop culture pieces and jokes, like the most famous Fridge Intruder Song, that get the praise and credit. Holy Crap! I’m poor, and I’m already a sellout. Lol.

Posted in blogging, chores, Discount candy, Dunkin Donuts, holidays, love, office, poetry, receptionist, refrigerator, Sellout, shenanigans, sonnet, Uncategorized, Valentine's Day, writing | 5 Comments

Cream Cheese: Music to my Ears

Posted on February 12, 2011 by purrrentice

For once, I don’t feel like talking.I’m usually a chatter box, but this has been a long week that tried my patience and self-esteem. I’m feeling antisocial and loser-like, so meh.

Here is a blog I wrote this week about the history of high heeled shoes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click Here to read it!

 

Anyways,for the fridge song this week I did “Memory” from Cats. I’m exceptionally proud of Joie Brown for this illustration. She had never seen the musical and had no emotional tie or initial inspiration for the piece. She was still determined to do an illo though, so I told her to “Feel the cheese,” and “Be the cheese.” With that sage advice and references from YouTube and Wikipedia, she pulled a glorious vision from the sky and graced the office with yet another delectable piece! Thanks so much, Joie!

I actually followed the song arrangement that Barbra Streisand did, because it is amazing. Listen to it. It’ll give you goosebumps.

♫♪Cream Cheese♪♫

Midnight,
not a sound from the break room,
did you forget your Cream Cheese?
I am smiling alone.
In the fridge light,
the withered crumbs collect at my feet,
and Wheat Thins begin to moan.

Cream Cheese,
all alone in the fridge light,
I can smile at last Monday,
I was edible then.
I remember a time I knew what breakfast time was,
let the Cream Cheese live again.

Every weeknight,
seems to beat a fatalistic warning,
Someone come by.
Take me with you, or I,
will be trash by morning.

Egg whites,
with me would be a delight,
Drive thru breakfast may seem right,
but you mustn’t give in.
When receptionist comes,
I’ll  just be garbage bag goo.
Cream Cheese will be in a bin.

Burnt sprouts, scents of smoky maize,
the stale cold smell of molding,
the fridge lamp dies, another Friday’s over,
4:45 is dawning.

Spread me
on a bagel! It’s easy!
Have a bagel with Cream Cheese,
in the sweet morning sun!
If you eat me,
you’ll understand what happiness is!

Look!
The weekend has begun!

 

 

Posted in Barbra Streisand, Beauty, blogging, cats, Cheese, chores, Cream Cheese, Heels, History, hopeless, Illustrator, inspiration, office, poetry, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, Shoes, Stilettos, writing | 1 Comment

Fridge-ilicious Beauty Reviews

Posted on February 9, 2011 by purrrentice

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I’m doing a writing internship in addition to all the other crap I do. I embrace any opportunity to increase my experience and visibility in the writing world, and being the resourceful artist I am, I can write anything. I now write brief beauty reviews for an upcoming iPod app called Pretty in My Pocket, PRIMP for short.  At first, they wanted me to do 35+ reviews a week, which includes researching specs, opinions and alternative choices for each product. Since I’m not getting paid (Course credit is not my current currency) and I work full time, I negotiated a more flexible workload. I enjoy writing these snippets, and now I wish I could try all the cosmetics!

Ideally, PRIMP would love to give me money to buy makeup, try it and write about my experience, but since this is a start-up deal, I have to do some investigative journalism. I read consumer reviews of each lipstick, mascara, foundation and eye liner and then create my own summary. I always read the highest and lowest reviews to see if there are any consistent praises or problems with a product. It cracks me up to read the lowest ratings because some of the reasons are bogus.

Online Shopping Errors

I love the reviews in which eye shadow, lipstick, foundation or nail polish is given a terrible score simply because the color didn’t look exactly like it was shown on the internet. Really? You mean, the swatch of Fire Engine Cherry Popper on the store website wasn’t as bright as in natural sunlight on real skin? Get real, cyber shoppers! Like buying clothes online, there is always a risk when blindly purchasing wearable items online.

Not Understanding a Product

So many women don’t get the newest cosmetic trends, and therefore blame the beauty product for not doing what it was never advertised to do in the first place. Primer is not moisturizer. Duh. Mascara that claims to volumize and thicken lashes in Death by Apocalypse Black probably won’t look natural, and pinecone brown eyelash stain is not going to give you stripper lashes. It’s a shame that cosmetic companies spend millions of dollars to advertize new makeup, and dumbasses can’t even read the big, fluorescent print on the package.

Too many cosmetics customers also buy pricey makeup in hopes of looking like a model. Earth to Big Spender: Your thirty dollar eye shadow and twenty dollar eye liner will not automatically make you look like Beyonce on the red carpet. It’s not necessarily about what products you use, but rather how you apply your colors. I flirt with new colors and application techniques all the time, and I’ve had my makeup done by artists before. My favorite makeup artist of all time, Tamra Compton, could make anybody look like a million bucks with dollar store colors and a popsicle stick. I’m sure of it, so don’t go blaming makeup for not sending you to cosmetology school.

Magical Expectations

My very favorite bad reviews come from gals who expect their cosmetics to defy physics. Girls seem to think mascara should work like Viagra or Extenz …but on your face. News flash: Mascara is not going to curl your eyelashes. That’s what an eyelash curler is for. If you have stubby eyelashes, there is no phenomenal, black goop in a tube that will instantly add inches to your lash line. If you have severe acne, powder foundation is not going to give you flawless, airbrushed skin. It’s mineral powder, for crying out loud! Nail polish smells bad. Get over it. Every lip gloss is going to be sticky to some degree, and no lipstick should be expected to never fade, especially after eating and drinking. Eyeliner that is soft and creamy to apply without warming the pencil is probably going to smudge because it has a heavier petroleum base. C’mon, ladies!

Now that this rant is over, here’s an old fridge song to tide you over until Friday. I think Fridge-ilicious is fitting enough, since Fergie did a poop-tastic job at the Superbowl half time show:

Fridge-ilicious

Four, Trés, Two Uno!

Listen up, y’all. Cuz this is it.
Your food that I’m trashin’ is delicious.

Fridge-ilicious. Definition.
Fridge is clean and squeaky,
And you won’t even notice
Cuz I’m super-stealthy-sneaky.

 You won’t see me. I toss debris.
It’s quite easy. Don’t get queasy.
I got reasons for this treason.
Foods just come and go like seasons.

 Fridge-ilicious!

But I am not malicious,
So if you get suspicious,
All that smack is fictitious.
I wash dishes!
And clean mugs for that coff-pot.
You best be lining down the block.
Claim that food you forgot!

Fridge-ilicious!

Posted in Beauty, blogging, chores, Fergie, Makeup Reviews, Mascara, office, parody, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, Super Bowl, Viagra, writing | 2 Comments

What a Week!

Posted on February 5, 2011 by purrrentice

I don’t even know where to begin with this week. It was intense, like camping (Get it? Intense…In tents…). First, I had Nancy a drew mystery. Somebody sent me flowers anonymously, with only a message that said “Prentice, A beautiful woman who is so uplifting. God Bless.”

Aren't they pretty?

One of my coworkers went crazy over this, and she would stop at nothing to find out who dun it. We ended-up with a little Scooby Doo group. She first called the flower shop, pretending to be me. The florist was within ten minutes of the office, and the person came-in before 3:00 and paid for them in cash on Monday. That pretty much killed all my theories. I thought it was a customer or vendor. Then my coworker interrogated every male on the floor. Poor guys. She called the shop again, hoping the guy who took the order would be there. She found out it was a dude named Eric. I realized then it was the super spiritual and friendly security guard from Africa. He thinks I’m cheerful and that I have a wonderful aura about me. He must have sent them as a friendly act of kindness. Awwwwww. That’s nice. The highlight of my week, and it was only Tuesday!

Speaking of flowers, here are the Haiku I promised you last week. I found some of the winter flowers inspiring during this weather. They thrive in the most horrid conditions, adding color to the dreary season. I have problems liking my serious pieces because I’m not a serious person. See what you think:

camellia bud
in spite of frigid winter
blooming in bleakness

courageous pansies
vivid faces beneath snow
breaking through the ice

I wrote a beauty blog this week linking Groundhog Day to upcoming spring fashion. Here it is. My new blog supervisor, the company copywriter, made a few grammatical changes. I can’t decide if this bothers me or not. I decided on no, since the changes were not because I did something wrong. It was just his punctuational preference. Besides, I try to embrace every opportunity to become a better writer and a better person, so even if I get a thin film of annoyance over my pride, I still have to appreciate constructive criticism.

Drama, drama,drama! I have never had a job with so much drama! I hate to go into too much detail, but do you ever have a coworker that for some reason does not get fired? Like, if you acted this way, you’d be out the door weeks ago, but this person somehow gets away with murder? Okay then. I’m glad I’m not alone. I’m also still adjusting to this whole “If you’re even one minute late clocking-in, you’re written-up.” rule my supervisor created. I can run pretty fast in high heels, but c’mon. My ankles will probably break, and then I’ll get fired for being late. Do I get worker’s comp for that? Lol.

Lastly, Wear Red Day was yesterday. It’s this celebration the American Heart Association does to raise awareness that heart disease kills people, in case you didn’t know that eating lard, not exercising and smoking might give you a heart attack. I have collectively had less than a week of legitimately good days at work, and the last Wear Red day was one of them. Well, this year was a bust. There was no party and no decorations. It was kinda like the Christmas Party, lackluster at best. I didn’t even get to eat my free lunch with other people because I was still told to take my early lunch break. I sat in my car for an hour listening to my audio book and playing Angry Birds, which is what I do most days anyways…just with food in my belly.

The Fridge Intruder Song left huge literary shoes to fill, and I knew there was no way I could outdo that this week, so I did a red themed poem for the Wear Red Day thing. Here it is:

Code Red

Today is my shirt is red,
like apples and spaghetti,
and like my lip gloss that will likely fade,

In red I’ll skip ahead,
like a red blur of confetti,
to the break room like a red parade.

The fridge will soon be bled,
of red peppers and red cherries,
of grape tomatoes and of red Kool Aid,

And you’ll be seeing red,
like strawberries and red veggies,
Code red! Your lunch is tossed like a grenade.

I already have next week’s poem planned-out. It came to me out of the blue, and I can’t wait to finish it. Hint: It’s from a musical…♪♫♪♫


 

Posted in Angry Birds, blogging, chores, flowers, holidays, inspiration, office, poetry, receptionist, Red, refrigerator, shenanigans, stress, tardiness, The Bed Intruder Song, Uncategorized, writing | 5 Comments

The Fridge Intruder Song

Posted on January 29, 2011 by purrrentice

Whew! What a week. This was a rough and tiring one, filled with drama, empty promises, somebody getting fired, more drama, an obscene amount of busy work and a rofl or two. I was so exhausted when I got home today that I fell asleep and only woke up just now because my husband woke me. Oh well, it’s better than last Friday, when I was all weepy and “woe to me!”

I decided to do another song parody for my fridge message this week, and it was probably one of my best received in…well…maybe ever. I’m glad to know everybody has seen the ever-so-famous Bed Intruder Song. If by chance you have actually never seen this#1 YouTube video, perhaps because you were born sometime since last Friday in Egypt or something, here it is:

Within minutes of hitting the send button, I heard bursts of hysterical laughter in multiple areas of the office, and I got a call from customer service that was nothing but “Buah ha ha ha ha ha ha. Tee hee hee!” Please note this is not my best work, but it is pretty damn funny. I wrote some pretty haiku this week, too, but I left them on a notepad at work and will post them later. Besides, like the rest of the office, you probably find this more amusing anyways:

She’s climbing in yo break room,
snatching yo nibbles up,
tryna trash ‘em, so y’all need to,
hide yo grits, hide yo chives,
hide yo omelets, hide yo fries,
and hide yo fruit blend, cuz she’s cleanin’ err-thing in there.

So go grab yo food you possess!
She’s lookin’ for food.
She gonna find food.
She’s gonna find food,
so you can run and tell that,
run and tell that homeboy,
home, home, homeboy…

She got yo yogurt,
You left yo chilled’ Thin Mints and all!
Every last crumb!
Every last crumb-fo real!
It got thrown away, leaving spotless evidence.
Yo lunch was attacked by some receptionist in the break room.
So dumb, so dumb so dumb, sooooo…

She’s climbing in yo break room,
snatching yo nibbles up,
tryna trash ‘em, so y’all need to,
hide yo grits, hide yo chives,
hide yo omelets, hide yo fries,
and hide yo fruit blend, cuz she’s cleanin’ err-thing in there.

 

Posted in blogging, chores, Egypt, Music, office, parody, poetry, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, The Bed Intruder Song, writing | 2 Comments

The Connection Between Hierarchy and Stress, and Oh Yeah. A Poem, too.

Posted on January 22, 2011 by purrrentice

If you follow my Facebook, you know that yesterday was a bad day for me.  There was no drama or real reason for me to be such a train wreck. I just woke-up feeling lousy, got overwhelmed with manual labor (rolling-up 48 super laminated posters and sending them out to our 11 AEs), had rude customers on my phone that was blowing-up all freaking day, and got my nose brutally and cattily rubbed into a mistake I made. Throw in the worse PMS I’ve had since high school, and that was my day. I had to take three kitten breaks to survive. A kitten break is when I go to the start page of my g-mail account, watch my funny cat photo generator, and constantly hit the back button to make a kitten slide show. If I’m brain dead enough, I can do this for at least 20 minutes. I even made a collage for you. Look:

I take being an old cat lady to the computer age.

Anyways, I came home, took a hot bath, drank wine, ate dinner, took a nap, and got all caught-up on Hannah Montana Forever. After that, I watched a National Geographic documentary on Stress. It was horribly interesting. This neurobiology dude  studies baboons in Africa because they develop a distinct hierarchy, as humans do in most job settings, especially an office-based one. He would test hormone levels in the blood of  all the monkeys. Stress is originally a survival mechanism, increasing adrenaline and other similar hormones. This temporarily shuts-off unnecessary bodily functions and enhances the basics, like running and hearing and seeing and fighting. This is how lions kill zebras and zebras sometimes escape their predators. Once the stressful moment is over, the body returns to normal. Well, with humans, and baboons in their social hierarchy, this is not the case.

Baboons at the highest point of the hierarchy had healthier arteries, more dopamine in their brains and less adrenaline and other stress-related chemicals in their blood. They were happier and healthier monkeys. The lowest level, however, carried fat in the belly, had more debris in the arteries, lacked dopamine and had high levels of stress hormones. People function the same way, and lower level, stressed-to-the-max individuals are more likely to have heart attacks, mental disease, cold and flu viruses and an overall shortened lifespan. In the end of the movie, there was a plague of Tuberculosis because the baboons found a stash of infected food waste, and the dominant males all died. The monkeys developed a new society that was less aggressive and involved more grooming and playtime. The solution? They didn’t give one, but I don’t expect the office to change into a Barney and Friends society of giggles and sharing, so I probably just need to get out before I have a stroke.

No wonder I felt like crap yesterday, and I’m sicker and crazier since I took this job. I went from being a manager to the lowest of the hierarchy. I’m the bottom baboon, with not just one superior dumping on me, but most of them. I make serious efforts to not let the job get to me, but some days it can’t be helped. Ugh. I actually started to cry yesterday. Lame. On a different but still related note, I have wonderful blood pressure. I don’t know how I managed this, since for the last year I’ve never been a stress mess due to drama, but my doctor said my blood pressure was “beautiful.”

Anyways, I managed to complete my fridge song…barely. It’s not my best, and though I was feeling it on Thursday when I started, by Friday afternoon, I just wanted to finish it and go on a kitten break.

Rich Girl
Based on Gwen Stefani’s Rich Girl

Na na na na na na! Na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na na na na!

Na na na na na na! Na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na na na na!

If I was a rich girl,
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!
See, I’d have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl.
No fridge would contest me, distress me.
My cash flow would never ever end, cuz I’d have all the money in the world,
if I was a wealthy girl…

Think what that money would bring,
I shan’t clean a thing!
Beans, nor sardines nor baked goods,
Mexicano take-out. Frown!
For now, if you could and would,
Go to the fridge, and then you’d,
Take your food first-class to a fancy fridge outside this town!

All the riches! Maybe I won’t clean a thing!
All the riches! Crazy! I can have a lazy fling!
All the riches! Maybe I won’t clean a thing!
Oh, please don’t spill that gravy.
That mess will get nasty and mold. Eeew! I know!

Yes, Ma’am, we’ll tidy that-up, Miss Prentice.
Oh please do not pick that up!
You climbed all the way from the bottom to the top,
and you ain’t cleaning nothing fo us!

If I was a rich girl,
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na!
See, I’d have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl.
No fridge would contest me, distress me.
My cash flow would never ever end, cuz I’d have all the money in the world,
if I was a wealthy girl…

Na na na na na na! Na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na na na na!

Na na na na na na! Na na na na na na!
Na na na na na na na na na na na na!

 

 

Posted in baboons, blogging, cats, chores, Gwen Stefani, office, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, stress, writing | Leave a comment

Please and Thank You

Posted on January 19, 2011 by purrrentice

Please and Thank You? New Concept? I can haz?

It’s always nice to be asked to do something, rather than be told. Today, I was asked to write a blog article. That’s right. I was asked, with a “please” and a “if you can” and a “if you can’t, let me know.” Wow. I wasn’t even “asked” to do articles at work in the first place. I was given a password and told “you’re going to start writing blogs.” Our copywriter needed to plug an article into the beauty blog about fashions from the 2011 Golden Globes. I didn’t watch the ceremony, but I still rocked that article. Why? Because I was asked, which was polite and implied that my services were needed and appreciated! If you would like to read it, click here.

You know what’s also great to receive? A legitimate, heartfelt, genuine “thank you.” I was thanked quite generously by our copywriter for writing that fashion piece. Yay for praise! Strangely, I’ve been getting more tokens of gratitude in the last few months than ever before. I don’t know why. Like, at Christmas I actually got presents this year! I was given a card, fudge and cookies! For driving on treacherous ice last week, my manager bought each of us dare devil, customer service stunt ladies a box of chocolate turtles, and with the help of my husband and the IT department, I demolished the box in one day! If this keeps-up, I might even get a present during Administrative Assistant Appreciation Week (AKA: Secretaries’ Day), but I’m not going to get my hopes too high.  Not a single person remembered last year…even the blog article I wrote celebrating Admin Week was postponed, so I had to revamp it to a not-so-time-sensitive Office Must-Haves piece.

As fun as candy is, my favorite “thanks” have been in the form of song and poem. Here are three instances of executives trying their hands at rhyme to show appreciation for me:

When I was on sick one Friday, nobody was going to clean the fridge, so Tom took it upon himself to clean the fridge with an Elvis theme:

Dear [Office] Fridge Dwellers,

It has come to my attention that the normal Friday discipline of cleaning out our fridge, as well as the disciple of that procedure, is not in a position to do so today.

Of course, some may believe a task as minor should just be ignored, and no one would be the worse for it.

Fortunately, people with a passion for what they do is my weakness, and our Prentice has been “passionate” about this task….

So today, in her honor, I will volunteer to clean the fridge – at the “little’ bit earlier time” of 4:30pm.

And, I will don special attire for this cleaning, and have a song that I will be performing live in concert as I clean…… (see if you can guess who I will be dressed as)

Bless my soul, what’s wrong with you,

You left your food a wastin’ and it’s making my spew

The smell of this is causin’ us all to shout,

Your food’s done – were throwin’ it out,

 

Hey-Hey, Hey, Heyyyyy, were throwin’ it out!

Our VP of Finance wrote this for me, after receiving the tracking number for a package I sent on his behalf:

On its way it be

Hopefully it will arrive at its destination and not get lost at sea

Without you at the front desk it would not stand a chance

And the receiver on the other end would never get to take a glance

So for this thank you very much

When it comes to fedex you have the Midas touch.

….probably not up to your level on the rhymes but I am working it


My personal favorite is from our previous CFO. He asked me to print a bunch of “really neat files.” I agreed to do so, only because they were “really neat files, rather than regular boring ones.” He then replied with this:

Fanciful, elegant, momentous reports

Each waiting its day in the sun

And of all  employees, from all our cohorts

Their deliverer, the beholden one.

Posted in blogging, executives, Golden Globes 2011, managers, Music, office, please, poetry, published, reading, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, thanks, writing | 2 Comments