Epic Ballads from an Epic Writer…

Happy Saturday, Everybody! I wanted to sleep-in this morning, but since I crashed so early last night (I was ill, tired and kinda melancholy), I’m up for now. I do feel much better after the extra sleep though.

This week was about the same as last week with a couple exceptions. First, I made the mistake of not going to the gay bar to see my favorite show, RuPaul’s Drag Race. Queens always make me feel good about myself, and I should not skip doses, even for the itis after Tasty China on Valentine’s Day.  I did a promotion this week, and it made me feel great and sad at the same time. The job itself makes me feel healthier and happier, but it in turn emphasizes my office misery. I went to Chow Baby for the first time ever, and wow. Just wow. Sooooo much stir fry! It made my cold exponentially better. Lastly, I plan to audition to be Purina’s Cat Lady. I love promos. I love cats, and I love writing and talking about cats. I must try!!!! (shakes fist in the air dramatically)

For this week’s fridge poem, I decided to add a chapter to my Ballad of a Salad series. It is now a trilogy, an epic trilogy!I love these little guys, so  here are all three together for the first time ever:

The Ballad of a Salad

In an unassuming kitchen,
Far away, not long ago,
A hero was created,
Of lettuce, cheese and tomato.

Sheathed in the strongest Tupperware,
This salad did not fear,
Leaving his quaint homeland,
For a thrilling new frontier.

He got lost within an icebox cave,
For there was no escape.
And as he fumbled through the fridge,
He met a fruit named Lady Grape.

They huddled close in darkness,
For endless days and hours,
Until the door was open,
By a giant with great powers.

The salad drew his spork sword,
Ready for an epic fight,
But his efforts proved quite fruitless,
As the giant snatched the knight

And ripped apart his armor.
Then chucked the duo with a thump,
Into  a wretched holding cell,
To the treacherous dungeon dump.

The salad and sweet, Lady Grape,
Together came to understand,
That they had both been vanquished,
And they wilted, hand-in-hand.

But from their tragic travesty,
Love and valor surpasses.
A flower rises from their junkyard grave,
Like a phoenix from the ashes.


Ballad of a Salad II: Caesar’s Revenge

From the birthplace of our salad hero,
there was born another,
of his mother’s lettuce flesh.
The salad had a brother!

Though of the same greenery,
the youngest was a different spawn,
with croutons and anchovy dressing,
bespeckled with Parmesan.

This salad’s name was Caesar.
When he saw his sibling’s cover,
an empty Tupperware, he screamed,
“I will avenge you, Brother!”

In his brother’s plastic armor,
Brave Caesar was then sheathed,
and taken to an office fridge,
a place not to be believed.

It was a dark and icy cavern,
inhabited by foods forgotten.
They knew nothing of his brother,
but they feared a giant, rough and rotten!

“I hear it comes this Friday,
and will violently evict us!”
Cried a Lovely Smoothie,
made with Soy and Eucalyptus.

Caesar said, “I hold no sword,
but I have lethal ninja skills!
I’ll save you, my dear lady,
and this monster I shall kill!”

The duo waited patiently,
in cold for hours and days.
The fridge door finally broke ajar,
in a bright, fluorescent blaze.

The Caesar Salad Samurai,
kicked and punched and chopped,
until he saw two giants’ shadows,
and he held a stance and stopped.

The giants rumbled loudly,
before a hand came from above,
and snatched-up fearless Caesar,
and his newfound, Smoothie love.

The taker was his maker,
Caesar knew they’d soon be eaten,
but at least he found his soul mate,
and considered the giant beaten!

Ballad of a Salad III: The Healthy Heroine

Our salad brother heroes,
had a sister, quite the beauty.
Made of fruit and low fat yogurt,
she was tangy, sweet and fruity.

Sibling Caesar Salad’s homecoming,
entailed epic, courageous tales,
of battles, love and valor,
and fridges and trash pails.

Stars shown in Fruit Salad’s blueberry eyes,
and she felt a sudden yearning,
for purpose and adventure,
and her passion started burning.

So to the office fridge she went,
against her brother’s wishes.
He feared she’d meet their brother’s fate,
thrown-out with plastic dishes.

In a crisper drawer,
she met a lonely soda pop,
and together they climbed the fridges heights,
up to the tippy top.

Atop there was a scenic view,
of fridge shelves, white and clear.
There also was a village,
whose skittish dwellers quaked with fear.

A monster would be coming soon,
named  Reap Satan Nist.
Without a magic miracle,
it would crush them with its fists!

“Fear not, my friends!”
The banana laden lady then assured,
“I will find the answer, kill the beast,”
“of this, you have my word!”

Into a freezing labyrinth,
the soda and salad  entered.
It was rumored to be perilous,
with a secret in the center.

The duo twisted and turned for days,
and fought abominable, iced undead.
The center had a eerie glow,
from a weapon overhead.

Lady Fruit Salad grabbed the staff,
a chopstick with great powers.
She knew with the magic and her skills,
she’d make Reap Satan Nist cower!

They returned to the town Friday at dusk.
The magic chopstick flashed.
Fruit Salad twirled and slammed the rod,
and screamed “YOU SHALL NOT TRASH!”

Silence filled the Frigidaire,
until broken with relief and laughter.
Reap Satan Nist did not appear,
and snacks lived happily ever after.

Was it our Fruit Salad heroine’s magic,
or was Reap Satan Nist on vacation?
Either way, for another week,
the fridge was a joyous, moldy nation!


About purrrentice

Fantastic Voiceover? How About PRENTASTIC VOICEOVER?!?! I'm Prentice Osborne, a full-time, freelance voiceover talent out of Atlanta. My specialty is Millennial, teen and everything in between, and I work in multiple genres of VO, from e-learning to games to cartoons to radio and TV ads. I love the entire VO process, from pen to paper, mouth to mic, cursor to waveform. It's totally Prentabulous! Need some voice work? Bring it on, World! Freelance Prentice is here to blow your mind with laughs, creative magic, mad skills, and a little bit of razzle dazzle!
This entry was posted in Apples, Ballad, banana, blogging, cats, chores, Epic, inspiration, office, poetry, receptionist, refrigerator, RuPauls Drag race, Salad, shenanigans, Valentine's Day, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Epic Ballads from an Epic Writer…

  1. joieart says:

    HAH I don’t think I’ve ever read these! AMAZING and adorable!!! Ahh!

  2. Pingback: Productivity Schmoductivity! | Freelance Prentice

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