I don’t know if I mentioned this, but I’m doing a writing internship in addition to all the other crap I do. I embrace any opportunity to increase my experience and visibility in the writing world, and being the resourceful artist I am, I can write anything. I now write brief beauty reviews for an upcoming iPod app called Pretty in My Pocket, PRIMP for short.  At first, they wanted me to do 35+ reviews a week, which includes researching specs, opinions and alternative choices for each product. Since I’m not getting paid (Course credit is not my current currency) and I work full time, I negotiated a more flexible workload. I enjoy writing these snippets, and now I wish I could try all the cosmetics!

Ideally, PRIMP would love to give me money to buy makeup, try it and write about my experience, but since this is a start-up deal, I have to do some investigative journalism. I read consumer reviews of each lipstick, mascara, foundation and eye liner and then create my own summary. I always read the highest and lowest reviews to see if there are any consistent praises or problems with a product. It cracks me up to read the lowest ratings because some of the reasons are bogus.

Online Shopping Errors

I love the reviews in which eye shadow, lipstick, foundation or nail polish is given a terrible score simply because the color didn’t look exactly like it was shown on the internet. Really? You mean, the swatch of Fire Engine Cherry Popper on the store website wasn’t as bright as in natural sunlight on real skin? Get real, cyber shoppers! Like buying clothes online, there is always a risk when blindly purchasing wearable items online.

Not Understanding a Product

So many women don’t get the newest cosmetic trends, and therefore blame the beauty product for not doing what it was never advertised to do in the first place. Primer is not moisturizer. Duh. Mascara that claims to volumize and thicken lashes in Death by Apocalypse Black probably won’t look natural, and pinecone brown eyelash stain is not going to give you stripper lashes. It’s a shame that cosmetic companies spend millions of dollars to advertize new makeup, and dumbasses can’t even read the big, fluorescent print on the package.

Too many cosmetics customers also buy pricey makeup in hopes of looking like a model. Earth to Big Spender: Your thirty dollar eye shadow and twenty dollar eye liner will not automatically make you look like Beyonce on the red carpet. It’s not necessarily about what products you use, but rather how you apply your colors. I flirt with new colors and application techniques all the time, and I’ve had my makeup done by artists before. My favorite makeup artist of all time, Tamra Compton, could make anybody look like a million bucks with dollar store colors and a popsicle stick. I’m sure of it, so don’t go blaming makeup for not sending you to cosmetology school.

Magical Expectations

My very favorite bad reviews come from gals who expect their cosmetics to defy physics. Girls seem to think mascara should work like Viagra or Extenz …but on your face. News flash: Mascara is not going to curl your eyelashes. That’s what an eyelash curler is for. If you have stubby eyelashes, there is no phenomenal, black goop in a tube that will instantly add inches to your lash line. If you have severe acne, powder foundation is not going to give you flawless, airbrushed skin. It’s mineral powder, for crying out loud! Nail polish smells bad. Get over it. Every lip gloss is going to be sticky to some degree, and no lipstick should be expected to never fade, especially after eating and drinking. Eyeliner that is soft and creamy to apply without warming the pencil is probably going to smudge because it has a heavier petroleum base. C’mon, ladies!

Now that this rant is over, here’s an old fridge song to tide you over until Friday. I think Fridge-ilicious is fitting enough, since Fergie did a poop-tastic job at the Superbowl half time show:

Fridge-ilicious

Four, Trés, Two Uno!

Listen up, y’all. Cuz this is it.
Your food that I’m trashin’ is delicious.

Fridge-ilicious. Definition.
Fridge is clean and squeaky,
And you won’t even notice
Cuz I’m super-stealthy-sneaky.

 You won’t see me. I toss debris.
It’s quite easy. Don’t get queasy.
I got reasons for this treason.
Foods just come and go like seasons.

 Fridge-ilicious!

But I am not malicious,
So if you get suspicious,
All that smack is fictitious.
I wash dishes!
And clean mugs for that coff-pot.
You best be lining down the block.
Claim that food you forgot!

Fridge-ilicious!