When Timesheets Attack!

Posted on August 9, 2011 by purrrentice

Anybody who has ever talked for me for more than an hour or so probably knows that I hate doing timesheets at work. It’s my least favorite task. I’ve gotten pretty good at finishing them quickly though, much like ripping off an adhesive bandage. I honestly don’t know why this particular system is used because it is inefficient and archaic. I was pleased freaking ecstatic back in January because one region was going to start using an online system to log time and sales, thus relinquishing me of a portion of my task. It wasn’t a huge percentage, but it was significant enough to shave-off some time from the timesheet data entry process.

Well, this week I kicked the timesheets’ ass, but they had reinforcements…

Executive Somebody decided he/she wants the data from that region in the Excel sheet (even though it is not necessary), so now I have to log seven months worth of fake timesheets into the system for a whole region.

Fail

When timesheets attack, they fight dirty!

Posted in Bazooka, blogging, Blues, Bull Honkey, chores, epic fail, executives, Need New Job, office, shenanigans | Leave a comment

By Your Powers Combined, I’m Driving to the Verge!

Posted on August 5, 2011 by purrrentice

Mah Baby

This week it occured to me that my car is more than just a car. I have 2005 Hyundai Elantra with custom leather seats, and I love her very much. I spend a lot of time in my car, and it’s not always to get to and from work and errands. My car is many things all in one, four door paradise. In addition to being a transportation device, my car is:

A Cafeteria
I eat lunch in my car a lot, especially if people start bothering me too much in the break room. No, I will not track your shipment or stuff those envelopes for you now. Can’t you see I’m eating, Dumbass?!

A Nail Salon
Why do my nails at home, when I can do them in the car during lunch? Setting the air conditioning to the foot vents makes for a great nail dryer!

A Studio
When I have to practice lines and/or music for recording projects, I rehearse in my car during lunch. I sometimes have jam sessions in there, too, just for fun. My solo concerts are epic.

A Library
I read and listen to audio books in my car during lunch. So far, I listened to the entire Twilight Series (I couldn’t imagine reading it.), some Anne McCaffery books and the first six or so books in The Wheel of Time. I have read a bunch, too. I’ve decided to keep a “car book,” specifically for car reading. My current car book is Soul Music by Terry Pratchett, and I’m enjoying it thus far.

An Office
Since I don’t have a fancy pants, corner office, I conduct my business in my car, like phone interviews and stuff.

For my fridge song this week, I embraced inspiration I had from my previous Captain Planet memo. I couldn’t resist inverting the color of my face in a photo and sticking it on the eco-friendly hero.

Captain Prentice
To the Theme Song of Captain Planet

Cheese!
Salad!
Coke!
Frozen Dinner!
Pop Tart!

GO, PRENTICE!

By your powers combined I am Captain Prentice!

Captain Prentice, she’s our hero,
Taking fridge pollution down to zero.
She and Trash Can are allied,
and they’re fighting on the fridge’s side.

Captain Prentice, she’s our hero,
Taking fridge pollution down to zero,
Gonna clean-up lunchtime blunders,
Sad guys on Monday  will feel hunger!

“You’ll pay for this Captain Prentice!”

We’re refrig-eteers,
You can be one too!
‘Cause cleaning our break room is the thing to do,
Scooting thus polluting is not the way,
Hear what Captain Prentice has to say:

“THE POWER IS YOURS!!”

Posted in blogging, Captain Planet, chores, Epic, office, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, song writing, Uncategorized, writing | 1 Comment

I am the Ultimate Morale Booster

Posted on July 31, 2011 by purrrentice

America may run on Dunkin, but I prefer a kindness/ caffeine blend.

So, this probably isn’t news to you, but I am an amazing source to boost morale in the office. The things I’m mostly known for are the fridge poems, listening to people vent, being quirky and participating in any variety of shenanigan. Our IT department had a rough couple of weeks lately, something about something breaking or something, and my CIO brought me coffee twice this week! He also sent me a very sweet email, thanking me for all I do and am.  I also had lunch with K-Dawg and a friend from IT this week. It was so much fun catching-up with my escaped buddy, and my meal was paid for! It was nice.

Ever since Joie and I did that Renga (shared poem) for a fridge piece, I’ve been flirting with the idea of doing an office-wide group poem. I finally did it! I sent an email about it last Friday, asking interested parties to let me know. I explained how a Renga is formatted and nullified any excuses people may have. I was like “It doesn’t even have to rhyme, so if you can count, you can write!” (This made me think of Cannibal the Musical.)


If you can talk, you can sing!

Anyways, by Monday I wrote a stanza and started forwarding the poem-in-the-making to each person on the list. On Wednesday, I wrote this acrostic reminder, using part of it to further advertize my morale-boosting, literacy-building exercise:

Remember my friends to
Embrace going green, and bring
Miss Ashley your magazines!
In addition to this,
Needn’t I say, if you want to
Do the group fridge poem, shoot an
E-mail my way!
REMEMBER!

As the week progressed, the poem got better and better. I added a closing stanza and here is the end product:

Renga – An ancient, Japanese form or poetry that means “linked poem.” It is created with a pair or group of writers taking turns writing the two-stanza pattern. The first stanza is three lines and seventeen syllables. The second stanza is a couplet with seven syllables in each line.

Fridge Renga: Professionalism meets Poeticism

Like the varied vastness
of our earth
the fridge is filled with many things

Prentice holds the key of truth
Mystery meat is nevermore.

Prentice told me I had to do this
Guess what
I never liked Twinkies

The clock strikes two, food no more
Can the Greek yogurt survive

Carrots, Hummus and Fruit
Once Prentice announces the time
They are gone

Grunge and guck and more gross stuff
Can’t be found under her watch

I do not like the dirt inside me
So Prentice cleans me
Clean I am

Food was never meant to be
Wearing more than what we choose

Love cakes, cup cakes
Are no exceptions
All will have the same destiny

Oh divine pepperoni,
May we find a place to dwell

Lettuce be friends cucumber
And dill; we can agree to
Love to chill

And as the fridge is emptied
The trash can in turn is filled

Posted in acrostic poem, blogging, chores, Coffee, Dunkin Donuts, Free Food, Funny Poetry, Joie Brown, Need New Job, office, poetry, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, Uncategorized, writing | 1 Comment

Someday…I can be sick…

Posted on July 26, 2011 by purrrentice

BULL HONKEY!

Yesterday I had some kind of head cold plague. I couldn’t breathe, felt prickly and was super irritable. I needed to go home and sleep, but I don’t call-in sick. I vowed weeks ago (in the linked blog post), after yet again more drama from being sick, that I would rather be wheeled-into work in a coma or be barfing in my waste basket or be profusely bleeding all over my desk than deal with the bull honkey that ensues when I try to call-in or leave.

One perk I would like to have someday is the ability to use sick time. I have had two jobs that offered paid time off, and  it’s unfortunate that being sick has always been out of the question. It’s simply not an option. Why even offer it? Around here, people call-in all the time, and it’s no biggie. I envy this perk…to use the benefits I have been given as part of my employment agreement that don’t roll over after the end of the year. Le sigh.

At AMC, the problem wasn’t that people got upset if you needed to take a sick day. It was just impossible to make it happen. I mean, if I’m sick, and I’m the opening manager, who do I call-in to? Myself? There has to be a manager on duty at all times. My friend Tommy devised a plan to trade-off covering each other’s sick days, and when I got really sick one spring, he made arrangements for me to go home and stay there for a day or two. It’s a good thing I had such great friends at the theatre. I miss them and don’t know how I survived becoming a manager in the blink of an eye without them. AMC also rolled your time over each year, erasing the incentive to take sick days just so you don’t lose the paid time off. That and the old 401K program were the highlights of AMC Theatres.

At this job, you would think the receptionist, being the bottom tier of the bottom of all office tiers, could call-in sick with no qualms. Wrong. Ever since I started at this place, drama would explode if I wanted/needed time off.

Actually, it started during my interview! I told the company that I already had a trip planned with my husband for the Magic The Gathering Pro Tour in Honoloulu. They said it was no problem butfailed to mention that they took my two floating holidays. I was going to use one for my yearly OBGYN visit, and my manager had no problems until I had to reschedule. Dr. Jekyll flipped her shit, cursing and yelling at me. I had to beg to get an extension on my birth control because I had to wait until I hit my 90 day mark and then accrued 4 hours of sick time to go. My old manager was crazy and would bully me every time I needed sick or vacation time. If I wasn’t sick when calling-in, I sure as hell was when it was all said and done. I wrote an accurate example of our past dialogue in this past post I’m linking.

One man's trip is another's worst nightmare

She made such a fuss about me not being allowed sick time that I did everything to not get sick, which is why I learned that summer that I’m very allergic to cough suppressant. My eyes were dialated. My tongue and throat were swollen, and I could hardly walk without falling over, but I still made myself come-in and drool on myself. Lucky for me I didn’t barf, and it was an early release day for a holiday weekend!

I tried to come-in sick once but couldn’t do it, and Dr. Jekyll threatened to fire me as I walked out the door.

I had to buy a last minute ticket to Orlando once because she refused to give me my vacation day for traveling by car with my family.That’s also when she said I couldn’t come to the company Christmas party because she lied to her staff and said I wouldn’t be back that day.

Dr. Jekyll also told me once that I needed a doctor’s note for being off for one day, despite what the employee handbook said.

She was surprisingly kind when I needed to stay home because of a horrible tummy ache (from eating too many corndogs with my boys), and then she did all the staff’s evaluations and pay raises, leaving me out (probably on purpose) completely.

Anyways, to make this writing-related, here is a poem I wrote last week about cake:

I found a cake upon my desk,
and asked “What could this be?”
It is a birthday present,
from our friends at CBRE!

For our anniversary,
they sent red velvet cake.
Hurry to the break room,
If you’ve a sweet tooth you must slake!

 

 

Posted in bullying, Cake, Magic the Gathering, managers, Need New Job, office, poetry, receptionist, Red, sharks, shenanigans, writing | Leave a comment

Mindless Tasks at the Chocolate Factory

Posted on July 23, 2011 by purrrentice

I know the Oompa Loompas had to do some weird jobs for Willy Wonka, but I’m sure they understood the logic and reasoning behind it, as whimsical and eccentric as it may have been. There is a lot going on with a couple of our brands right now, and this week was filled with silly, sometimes ridiculously silly, projects. This inspired me to take a trip down memory lane and share with you some of these dumb tasks I’ve had to do at work:

Water Bottles

Perhaps staring a skinny, successful model in the eye would inspire people to drink water instead of calorie-filled drinks. Dunno.


About a year ago, I was told to tear the labels off of regular water bottles and replace them with these creepy ones with models’ faces instead. It was one of my creepier projects.

Pinning Pins To Cardboard
This week I had to poke holes into cardboard thank-you cards and stick gaudy, star-shaped pins on them, centering the pin to a star-shape on the card. I did 120 in a couple days.

Burning DVDs
I have a 4 CD/DVD burner at my desk, but it only burns 3 at a time. I don’t mind burning a few for somebody, but I often have to magically burn, label and package hundreds in a couple days. Not only is this nearly impossible and waste of my time, but it is a waste of money. It cost a lot to buy the supplies from Staples and pay me to do them. Fortunately, they use an outside service when they need thousands of DVDs. Thank God.

Cutting Stuff
Oh the stupid things I’ve had to cut with an X-acto blade! When marketing does not feel like going to Kinkos, I have to cut hundreds of insert cards. I’ve had to cut-out emergence business cards, sample packaging and other cheaply-made marketing materials.

One time I had to use and X-acto blade to cut slits in cardboard cards and bend them at just the right angle to shove a box of mascara inside. This wasn’t even for customers. Marketing just wanted the free sample for employees to look pretty. I’m sure my coworkers appreciated the packaging more than I did, 90 cards later.

Next week one of our brands is going to Cancun for a sales meeting. What better way is there to instill this urgency to sell, sell, sell than to have a group-puzzle race? I had to cut out the puzzle pieces to three million-dollar-bill-shaped puzzles. It was brutal and stupid all at once.

Goo Gone
All too often I’ve had to use Goo Gone for tasks. Sometimes I have to remove old labels on products and attach new ones. I have to remove manufacturing labels on products. I also have to erase expiration dates on powder compacts. Note: The powders do not really expire. I think the manufacturer at the time just automatically stamped them.  It’s still lame and feels shady though.

Christmas Cards
Probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever had to do is hand address 350+ company Christmas cards, even though there were no hand-written sentiments inside and no signature. They thought it would make them more personal, like anybody really cares about the address and return address on a mailing envelope. Company Christmas cards are a complete waste. They are not sincere, and they kill innocent trees and receptionists’ hands. Ironically, over half the cards came back to us because nobody had updated the address list in years. I still feel so used…

There are many others, but it’s time to move on to the fridge song. Ever since seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at Screen on the Green, I’ve been itching to do an Oompa Loompa song:

Oompa Loompa Fridge Song
From Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Oopma Loompa fridge-a-dee-doo,
I have an office puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa fridge-a-dee-dee,
If you were wise, you’d listen to me.

When you disrespect the refrigerator,
leaving food inside, like a frigerator-hater,
Where do your sandwich and carrot sticks go?
Receptionist throws them in a trash can hole.

It’s gone.
It’s gone.
It’s gone.
It’s gone.
And you’ll be hungry Monday.

Oompa Loompa Fridge-a-dee-dah,
If you’re not lazy, you will go far,
You will live in cleanliness, too,
Like the Oompa 
Oompa Loompa Fridge-a-dee-do!

Posted in Beauty, blogging, chores, Christmas, epic fail, executives, Funny Poetry, Mascara, Mindless Tasks, Model, Music, Need New Job, receptionist, refrigerator, song writing | 3 Comments

The Sometimes Job

Posted on July 18, 2011 by purrrentice

Wow. This has been a manic Monday! I’m going to need some caffeine to get through my evening, Luckily, I have an interview at Starbucks tonight. Now, don’t get too excited, Folks. This is not for a new, full-time position to replace my receptionist job. Darn! It’s for yet another type of gig that I call “A Sometimes Job.”

What is a sometimes job? Well, think about it. There are full-time jobs that offer 40-ish hours a week. Then there is a part-time job, which means your schedule offers less hours., but you still get fairly consistent pay. Then, there is the sometimes job, a job that makes no commitment to you, so you could be working 40 hours a week or 40 hours in an entire year. Whenever the company runs an event and needs help, they call me.

I was looking sooooo good at this Jim Beam Nascar event. Dag. I need to lose some weight!

It’s funny. I think I’ve had more sometimes jobs than normal ones. I often stack as many of them as possible on top of my regular jobs. I always wish I could just make sometimes jobs full time. Why? Because they are ridiculously fun and pay just as well. My favorite gigs were definitely all the liquor promotions. I mean, who wouldn’t want to dress-up in cute outfits, meet new people, flirt, and try to sell a brand? Derp. It seems like common sense to me. It’s fun work that makes me feel good about myself, unlike this job, which makes me feel pudgy and blah. The beauty business strangely does not make you feel beautiful, especially if you’re at the front desk.

Sadly, even the sometimes jobs that dangle the full-time and part-time carrots above my head never follow through. “Oh. We’ll definitely be needing people full-time soon. We’ll let you know and get everything set-up.” Wrong. False. Oh well, maybe someday one of these sometimes jobs or free gigs I do will actually evolve into something legitimate and substantial.

That way I can step away from the verge.

Posted in Beauty, Derpy Hooves, Job hunting, Job Interview, Model, Need New Job, office, Promos | 1 Comment

Fridge Palindrome…Yes, I Just Went There

Posted on July 15, 2011 by purrrentice

I can’t think of too much to say about this week. Here are two blog articles: Stop and Smell the Fashion and Road Trip Beauty Tips. I got screwed over by one of my side jobs, but what else is new, right? I do have some new ideas and opportunities in the mix though. I think I will finally start writing my receptionist novel. I mean, wouldn’t you love to read a whole book of my office shenanigan story-telling? You know you would. Here is a funny email my intern buddy sent me this week. We often have special email exchanges that are pony and/or meme themed:

 

Me?! Yes, clearly I'm awesome!

We are also making progress on the My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Abridged. The next episode is coming out next week, hopefully. We started finalizing the script for episode three, and I already can’t wait to hit the studio and rock the hell out of Rarity. I had no idea how much I would love being Rarity and how good I would be at it.

This week I finally finished my fridge palindrome! It took me forever to write one, like over a month. Those things are hard! I had to come up with an idea and try to run with it, frontwards and backwards. I tried a few different sequences, and I finally invented one I liked. Then I had trouble connecting the beginning and end. This morning, the answer seemed so simple and clear. Yay for having a lightbulb moment, and here is the result of my hard work:

A palindrome is a word, phrase, number or other sequence of units that can be read the same way in either direction (Basically, it’s the same backwards and forwards).

Posted in Beauty, blogging, Bronies, chores, Epic, Honest Tea, meme, MLP FiM Abridged, My Little Pony, office, poetry, Rarity, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, writing | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Coffee Scribbles

Posted on July 13, 2011 by purrrentice

Like most offices, rather than the world revolving around the sun, the office revolves around a coffee pot. I honestly quit the stuff at work cold turkey because the kind here is gross. Also, it cut some calories out of my day. Even still, coffee often effects my life here at the front desk, usually in good ways.

My Favorite Starbucks Treat!

Whenever Tamra Compton comes to visit the office, she brings me a Soy Green Tea Latte, and I always reply “Thanks a latte!” She’s sweet, and the green, frothy goodness in that magnificent Starbucks cup doesn’t hurt either.

One of my coworkers named John(one of the cool ones) wrote a poem a while back about being overlooked during a coffee run. He is a big fan of my fridge poems and rhyming memos, so he expressed his feelings as a poem. He found it in his inbox and sent it to me last week:

So Cold

I sit here in my meeting
But the coffee doesn’t flow
Oh what I wouldn’t give
For a hot cup o’ joe

Drinking something warm
Makes my tummy smile
Oh I wish there was a Starbucks
Closer than a mile

Was waiting for the day
When someone says “I feel ya”
Enaged in my meeting
And in walks Shelia

2 large cups in hand
So happy I would be
If she made any eye contact
Woulda known that one’s for me

But she handed one to Ruth
Quickly turned and looked away
Walked out with her own cup
Maybe I’ll get coffee some other day

Today, I am more restless and grumpy than usual. We can blame my hormones and the fact that I don’t get coffee breaks anymore to exercise and walk. Earlier today, John walked by my desk and said he had been at the office since 7:30 that morning. Eeew. I made a joke about him needing a yummy coffee, and he told me he purchased bagels and coffee from Dunkin Donuts for an all-day meeting. Then he offered me some! He brought me a coffee, with two splendas and one half-and-half. I said thanks by creating a fridge-poem-like parody of his poem:

John Recovers From Coffee Trauma
A sequel/parody to “So Cold” 

I sit here at the front desk,
kind of sleepy and alone.
Oh what I wouldn’t give,
for a distraction from the phone.

Drinking something warm,
would make my tummy smile.
Oh I wish I could go away to Starbucks,
for a while!

I was waiting for the day,
when someone says “Yo, what’s going on?”
Engaged in phones and busywork,
I see my buddy John.

He’d been here since seven thirty,
which is trauma worthy of tequila,
on top of previous suffering,
from the coffee-hoarding Sheila.

He quickly offered me a coffee,
with two one creamer and two Splendas,
His caffeine and kindness motivated me,
to get back to my agenda.

You gotta love coffee-fueled, office shenanigans.

Posted in blogging, Coffee, Dunkin Donuts, executives, office, parody, PMS, poetry, receptionist, shenanigans, writing | 3 Comments

Phones are the Devil

Posted on July 11, 2011 by purrrentice

I just want to take a moment on this grumpy Monday to express my deep hatred of phones. I hate the sound the office phone makes. I hate the flashing lights. I hate paging people on the intercom.I hate dealing with the voice mail system, and I can’t stand about 90% of the callers. The office phone broke me. I used to like phones. At AMC, I was the Phone Goddess, and I was well known for my fabulous phone voice at Henry’s Louisiana Grill. Not anymore (meaning I don’t enjoy it, not that I’m not still amazing at it). Heck. I don’t even like chatting on my cell. Texting is better.

That being said, here is a picture I drew last week (in lieu of doing anything constructive) of me fantasizing about killing my phone, Office Space style and then some:

The office phone is my worst enemy, my workplace nemesis. The very sound of it gives me nervous tics...

 

Posted in blogging, Need New Job, office, receptionist, shenanigans, Stick Figures, stress | 1 Comment

Doing my Thang ’til the Cows Come Home

Posted on July 9, 2011 by purrrentice

Oh shoes! I hope to repair thee!

First off, another moment of silence is in order this week. I have had many shoes die recently. My pumps run down to the nail and make that annoying scratching noise when I walk in them. This week though, my favorite shoes broke…while I was in them. Falling 7.5 inches in the dark outside is scary, and I want to take a moment to remember my fav shoes:

……♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥…..♥……

On top of this shoe tragedy, I’ve been sleeping poorly. One night I had two nightmares about work, one with my old boss and the other with my current one. Can I catch a break? No wonder I woke-up disoriented and unhappy. It’s bad enough to dream of work at all. It’s even worse for your boss to be a part of it, especially two of them! Yikes!

Yesterday was the best holiday of the hear: Cow Appreciation Day. Yes, it beats Christmas. I love the good vibes, creativity, puns and free food that Cow Day has to offer. I rocked out some knee-high socks under my sexy boots. Then I wore one white glove, Michael Jackson style, and some shorts and a tank. I also designed hats for my boys and myself. I made a PDF template, if any of you want to borrow it next year. With the help of my husband and my brother, our herd hit nine Chick-fil-a stores! We also delivered chicken to my brother from another mother, Kendall, since he had to work a double and could not join the stampede.

Here is my Herd, my chicken-hustling entourage, and our bounty of lunches!

Joie’s dog, Rylee, was really sick yesterday. I know something is wrong if Joie is on Facebook chat when I get to work in the morning (She is three hours behind me in San Fran.). I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I combined Cow Day, free chicken, a get well soon sentiment to Rylee the Corgi, and my office fridge memo into one whimsical, wacky, children’s poem (I wrote it fast, but enjoy it anyways):

The Cow, the Chicken and the Corgi

A cow, a chicken and a corgi,
lay in a field one day.
Cow grazed grass,
Chicken pecked the grass,
and Corgi frolicked and played.

A rumbling and a grumbling,
growled in Corgi’s tummy.
Chicken’s growled, too,
and Cow cried “Moo!”
“It’s time for something yummy!”

Chicken sighed “this dirt is gross,”
“I want a BLT.”
Corgi  sniffed,
a scent adrift,
and said “This way! Follow me!”

The hungry, trio sprinted,
Through an office door,
They were unaware,
of the people’s stares,
as the elevator reached their floor.

A very shocked receptionist,
went rigid at the scene.
Cow stampeded,
While Corgi heeded,
and Chicken squawked and preened.

Corgi halted by a fridge,
and jumped atop Cow’s back.
Then Chicken fluttered,
on top of the others.
Cow, Corgi Chicken Stack!

The fridge door they did pry,
and the friends together ate,
Tea, peas, cheddar cheese,
the BLT,
and somebody’s dinner plate!

Cow, Corgi and Chicken,
gorged so much it was obscene,
They chomped and slurped,
and chewed and burped,
and left the fridge shelves clean!

With their tummies full,
and office folk aghast,
Cow, Corgi and Chicken,
decided to quicken,
their getaway, running so fast!

Back onto the field,
the three best friends did lay.
Their adventure was fun,
though it’s rude to eat and run,
so perhaps they will return one day.

Posted in blogging, Captain EO, Childrens' books, chores, Christmas, Dreams, executives, Friday, Heels, holidays, Illustrator, Joie Brown, managers, Michael Jackson, office, poetry, refrigerator, Stilettos, stress, writing | 4 Comments