I know the Oompa Loompas had to do some weird jobs for Willy Wonka, but I’m sure they understood the logic and reasoning behind it, as whimsical and eccentric as it may have been. There is a lot going on with a couple of our brands right now, and this week was filled with silly, sometimes ridiculously silly, projects. This inspired me to take a trip down memory lane and share with you some of these dumb tasks I’ve had to do at work:

Water Bottles

Perhaps staring a skinny, successful model in the eye would inspire people to drink water instead of calorie-filled drinks. Dunno.

About a year ago, I was told to tear the labels off of regular water bottles and replace them with these creepy ones with models’ faces instead. It was one of my creepier projects.

Pinning Pins To Cardboard
This week I had to poke holes into cardboard thank-you cards and stick gaudy, star-shaped pins on them, centering the pin to a star-shape on the card. I did 120 in a couple days.

Burning DVDs
I have a 4 CD/DVD burner at my desk, but it only burns 3 at a time. I don’t mind burning a few for somebody, but I often have to magically burn, label and package hundreds in a couple days. Not only is this nearly impossible and waste of my time, but it is a waste of money. It cost a lot to buy the supplies from Staples and pay me to do them. Fortunately, they use an outside service when they need thousands of DVDs. Thank God.

Cutting Stuff
Oh the stupid things I’ve had to cut with an X-acto blade! When marketing does not feel like going to Kinkos, I have to cut hundreds of insert cards. I’ve had to cut-out emergence business cards, sample packaging and other cheaply-made marketing materials.

One time I had to use and X-acto blade to cut slits in cardboard cards and bend them at just the right angle to shove a box of mascara inside. This wasn’t even for customers. Marketing just wanted the free sample for employees to look pretty. I’m sure my coworkers appreciated the packaging more than I did, 90 cards later.

Next week one of our brands is going to Cancun for a sales meeting. What better way is there to instill this urgency to sell, sell, sell than to have a group-puzzle race? I had to cut out the puzzle pieces to three million-dollar-bill-shaped puzzles. It was brutal and stupid all at once.

Goo Gone
All too often I’ve had to use Goo Gone for tasks. Sometimes I have to remove old labels on products and attach new ones. I have to remove manufacturing labels on products. I also have to erase expiration dates on powder compacts. Note: The powders do not really expire. I think the manufacturer at the time just automatically stamped them.  It’s still lame and feels shady though.

Christmas Cards
Probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever had to do is hand address 350+ company Christmas cards, even though there were no hand-written sentiments inside and no signature. They thought it would make them more personal, like anybody really cares about the address and return address on a mailing envelope. Company Christmas cards are a complete waste. They are not sincere, and they kill innocent trees and receptionists’ hands. Ironically, over half the cards came back to us because nobody had updated the address list in years. I still feel so used…

There are many others, but it’s time to move on to the fridge song. Ever since seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at Screen on the Green, I’ve been itching to do an Oompa Loompa song:

Oompa Loompa Fridge Song
From Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Oopma Loompa fridge-a-dee-doo,
I have an office puzzle for you,
Oompa Loompa fridge-a-dee-dee,
If you were wise, you’d listen to me.

When you disrespect the refrigerator,
leaving food inside, like a frigerator-hater,
Where do your sandwich and carrot sticks go?
Receptionist throws them in a trash can hole.

It’s gone.
It’s gone.
It’s gone.
It’s gone.
And you’ll be hungry Monday.

Oompa Loompa Fridge-a-dee-dah,
If you’re not lazy, you will go far,
You will live in cleanliness, too,
Like the Oompa 
Oompa Loompa Fridge-a-dee-do!