All Kinds of Shenanigans…Hooray for Three Day Weekends!

Posted on July 3, 2011 by purrrentice

I hate it when I’m late posting my Friday blog. I would have done it yesterday, but I went blackberry picking and boating with my folks. Sorry, blog. Boat wins. I love riding on the lake. It is so relaxing and inspirational. I’m also learning to drive. Watch out, Lake Allatoona! Captain Prentice is on board!

My favorite coworker quit this week. I knew this was coming sooner or later because she was overworked and unappreciated to the point that I’m pretty sure it was affecting her health. I am terribly sad to see her go though. There have only been a very small handful, more like a pinch, of people at work who I would bump-up from the acquaintance category, and too many are gone already. So, let us have a moment of silence for K-Dizzle, hang man puzzle expert and dear buddy to the receptionist: ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I have been a busy little bee this week, with my writing. Here is a beauty blog I did about bridal hair styles and short haircuts. I used my own picture. Yeah. I’m that cool. I also had to write a memo, asking my coworkers to save their old magazines for an arts and crafts project with consultants at conference. I was at a loss for a poem, so I decided to use Captain Planet (Which inspires me to do a fridge song to this theme soon…)

The Power is Your's!!!

I also started doing some writing for episode three of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Abridged. Lord only knows when/if the second episode will go live, but I will still do my best to help out for now. For my fridge poem this week, I couldn’t decide whether to celebrate The Fourth of July or Canada Day. I mean, this was a big decision. Unable to choose, I wrote two fridge songs this week, to acknowledge both:

Fridgey Doodle Dandy

I wuv mah country. I can haz freedom?

To the patriotic tune Yankee Doodle Dandy

I’m a Fridgey Doodle Dandy,
A Fridgey Doodle, Clean or die,
A real live receptionist of the front desk!
We’re off on the Fourth of July!

I’ve got a Fridgey Doodle favor,
To ask of my Fridgey Doodle boys (and gals),
Get your Doodle butts around,
to come and grab your groceries!
Or I’ll toss your Snacky Doodle joys!

O Frigidaire!
To the tune Oh Canada!

Oh Frigidaire!
Our home and native land!
True cleanliness! Free of all foods, boxed and canned.

 
With glowing hearts we eat French fries,
Delicious! Not debris!
From far and wide,
O Frigidaire, I’ll clean thine shelves for thee.

 

Prentice, keep the fridge safe, cold and clean!
O Frigidaire, I’ll clean thine shelves for thee.

 

O Frigidaire, I’ll clean thine shelves for thee.

Catada is pretty cool, too.

Posted in Beauty, blogging, cats, chores, Lolcat, MLP FiM Abridged, My Little Pony, Need New Job, office, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, song writing, writing | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

A Valuable Job Hunting Lesson from Prentice…

Posted on June 29, 2011 by purrrentice

So, a few of you may wonder how my interview went last weekend, and others may have assumed that my lack of response meant failure. Well, the interview went well enough, but the job was a multi-level marketing scheme. Yay. The only job I’ve been offered since graduation, other than this receptionist thingy and a management position at Steak n’ Shake, was a trap.

I feel pretty silly for not picking-up on the signals sooner, but my red flag radar and force field were temporarily disabled by the fact that the posting came from a reputable source and by the eloquently phrased job description. I mean, the job title was “BRAND REPRESENTATIVE- Fashion/Cosmetic Events & Promotions.” By the time I went to the interview, I started to get a bad feeling, as some guy (who was not the manager who was supposed to interview me) was teaching me how to become a 100K manager in a year by hustling cleaner and overpriced cheesecake at Costco and Sam’s Club. By the time I spoke to the manager again, I knew I had wasted my time.

So, from me to you, I will share a list of red flags I found from on the job description, during the “interview” and while receiving the”job offer” that will hopefully help you in the future.

You're gonna love my nuts! We're gonna make America skinnier, one slap at a time!

You're gonna love my nuts! We're gonna make America skinnier, one slap at a time!

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED
If you see this on a job ad, especially in all caps and even more especially if it’s in the job title, don’t click it. Don’t read it. Just forget you ever saw it and move on. This catch phrase is much like the ones you hear during TV sales ads at four in the morning, like “Wait! There’s more!” or “If you call now, we’ll double the order for free!”

This is Marketing…Not Sales
The word sales has a stigma to it nowadays because of sketchy, fake, sales companies, so scam-like jobs now try to insist that this is not a sales job. It is a marketing job…in which you make money off of selling stuff to people, and if you sell more than the others, you will advance…because you are so damn good at closing that sale- wait.

You can be making 100K in less than a year!
Holy crap! You mean I’ve been wasting my time trying to prove myself while making less than 30K here when I could have been making stacks and stacks? Focus on the word “can.” There many levels to compete through to make it to the top. The manager even told me on the phone, “Not everybody makes it there. We filter them out.”

Email Address
I first was dealing with a legitimate enough looking email exchange. After my “interview,” I was told to list the top three reasons why I was better than all the other candidates and send it to a Gmail address. It was TheCompanyName.HR@Gmail.com. If a business does not have a company address, be on guard. It may just be a small business getting started, or it may be a scam.

Peer Pressure
I remember going to a timeshare presentation once (Because Mr. Prentice was with me, and he always slaughters the poor salesperson with his economic logic and “I’m smarter than you” demeanor.).  They use a passive aggressive arguements to make poor saps, who just wanted a fifty dollar gift card to Hard Rock Cafe, feel defensive and sign up. When I declined the position, the manager tried to bully me into taking it, saying things like “Oh, I guess you just don’t think you can handle it?” and “So, you’re scared to move-up and manage your own team?” He didn’t act like I was valuable. He was trying to make me say “Hell yes I can handle this! Where do I sign?” If a company has to sell a job to you, its more than likely not a very good job.

I contacted my college’s career services center in regards to the sham. They don’t believe me though. The girl who answered my complaint seems to think I’m a job snob, sticking my nose-up to a position that somebody else may cherish. She could be right. I’m sure some people dream of being tricked into the idea they will be making over 100K in no time flat and end-up making 90 dollars a day hustling windshield wiper services and generic branded vitamin water. The lady then proceeded to recommend I visit the center for help on choosing a job that’s right for me and learning how to better market myself.

Umm…Perhaps they will come around, as different posts for that same job under other names, like this one I found on Craigslist today, begin to emerge.

Rofl.

 

 

Posted in Advice, blogging, bullying, epic fail, Evil, Job Interview, Need New Job, receptionist, shenanigans, Uncategorized, Warning Signs, writing | 2 Comments

Plagiarism is Wrong…and so are Speed Writing Contests

Posted on June 27, 2011 by purrrentice

 

Prentice, this post needs to be about 20% cooler...

Many people spend their Saturday nights in a dance club or partying. I spent mine participating in the Equestria Daily Speed Fan Fiction Contest. Basically, MLP fans had two hours to write a short story about Rainbow Dash being a bad cook. I had a ton of fun writing my piece. It was a rush to think-up an idea, put it together, write it and submit it in less than two hours. I made it, and I was bummed to find out the response was so overwhelming that there won’t be winners. Mine is posted though. It’s #7. Check it out.

I have only gotten a small amount of feedback so far, mostly generalized comments about the top ten or so pieces being good despite the constraints, but there is one weirdo who tried to read them all and judge them. He didn’t like mine at all, giving it a minus and adding the word “EDITING” in all caps because I had more than two typos. I hate the fact that this loser, who clearly has nothing better to do with his life than read over 100 short stories about cooking, cartoon ponies and obviously didn’t write a speed fic himself, is getting under my skin. Apparently somebody already wrote a MLP/ Iron Chef crossover as a real fanfic done with lots of time and thought and no predetermined plot line, and my speed fiction sucked in comparison. Really? Get over yourself, seriously. Some nerds can be so  cruel. Some other person liked it well enough, but of course it is the Negative Nerdy Nancy who gets to me. Oh well, this piece sucks a little, but here it is.I would fix it a bit, but I’m just over it.

Iron Hoof Equestria

“Oh…my…God!”

Rainbow Dash spun in corkscrews across Ponyville while reading the letter she had just received form the derpy-looking mailpony. Excitement filled her lungs and veins, and she tingled as she blabbed, “OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!” She landed in front of Pinkie Pie, the pink earth pony jumping in anticipation, ready to celebrate whatever success Rainbow Dash was experiencing. “What is it, Rainbow?” She gasped. “Did you make it into the Wonder Bolts? Win the Ponyville Raffle? Find five dollars in the pocket of an old pair of pony jeans?”

Rainbow finished cackling in a raspy chortle before responding. “No! Even better!” Pinkie’s eyes grew large in anticipation. “You won tickets to visit Candy Mountain?!” Twilight Sparkle, Apple Jack, Rarity and Fluttershy arrived as Rainbow Dash answered, “No way! I made it onto Iron Hoof, that super competitive cooking show!”

Everypony cringed. It was common knowledge around Ponyville that Rainbow Dash was a terrible cook. She thought her recipes were “the bomb” and “created for a very defined palette,” but everypony who was anypony knew that any dish prepared by Rainbow Dash should be taken with a grain of salt, or a whole bottle of antacids. Already foreseeing disaster in the future, Twilight tried to intervene.

“Rainbow, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Ummm… of course! Why wouldn’t I accept the challenge to showcase my original recipes against the best of the best? The Wonder Bolts of the culinary world?”

Twilight rolled her eyes and growled, “This isn’t about that report you wanted me to write about-“

“The history, importance, and future of healthy and delicious recipes for pony restaurants and homes around Equestria?” Rainbow Dash Blushed. “Maybe. I may have copy and pasted that report you made as my entry letter…”

“Rainbow!” Twilight Sparkle yelled. “That’s plagiarism!”

Rainbow Dash chuckled uncomfortably. “You’re welcome…”

“For what?!”

The other ponies crowded around Rainbow Dash. She paced in circles, trying to adopt her most effective defense stance against five ponies. It was the over excited Pinkie Pie who struck first.

“Would you like some of my favorite cupcake recipes?” She batted her eyes sweetly. “I even have a song to help you remember them!” She started to sing “All you have to do is add a cup of flour to mix…”

“No way!” Rainbow Dash cackled in a puffed-up, pretentious manner. “I have all the food-cooking know how in my noggin!” I’m off! The show starts tonight!”

Rainbow Dash flew off in a flash, leaving a sonic rainboom as a trailing reminisces of her enthusiasm. Pinkie Pie pouted with disdain. “I’m a way better cook than she is! How could she be so – “ Rarity squealed “So Rainbow Dash?” She chortled into incomprehensible laughs and Applejack finished “You know stubborn she is, Sugar Cube.”  Fluttershy added “Yeah, ummm…she will..probably…ummm…” Twilight finished, “Fail. I love Rainbow, but there is now way her grass protein fritters with hay glaze or her pebble and banana soup can win. Let her just enjoy her moment in the spotlight.”

Rainbow Dash flew with such speed and enthusiasm that she made it to Canterlot in record time. “That’s gotta be a good sign.” She grinned ear to ear as she sauntered her way to Pony Food Network’s Iron Hoof, Pony Kitchen Stadium. “This is in the bag,” Rainbow gloated. “I will surely win.” Her wings twitched involuntarily as she made a majestic entrance into the studio.

The Chairman Pony had almond eyes and a majestic, flowing, black mane. His cutie mark was a set of cooking knives, and he immediately greeted Rainbow Dash with a “ Good luck and good cooking!” Stage ponies grabbed Rainbow Dash before she could bombard The Chairman Pony with queries and praise, and they forced her into an apron and chef’s hat. Before she knew it, the show had begun, and her knees began to chatter with nervousness.

“The time again has come to answer life’s most savory question.” The announcer pony shouted to the large, sold-out crowd of live viewers. “ Whose cuisine reigns supreme?  This is Iron Hoof Equestria! A delectable Canternese tradition has taken root in Canterlot soil. We have been graced with the establishment of our own Pony Kitchen Stadium, where our nimble Chairman Pony has brought together the pungent flavors of East and West. It is here, where the best of the best around the world meet and face the ultimate gourmet challenge.”

Rainbow Dash was sweating bullets as the announcer finished the introduction. The audience applauded as The Chairman introduced her as the challenger. “Welcome! Where has your inspiration for cooking come from?” The Chairman Pony inquired. “Oh,” Rainbow sighed in as nonchalant a manner as possible. “I just picked it up. Culinary prowess is second nature to me, like making a sonic rainboom and spinning clouds.” The Chairman’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “How impressive!” The audience roared. “Now, who will you choose as your competitor? Pony Pora? Mario Fillypony? Masasaddle Morimoto?

“NO!” Shouted Rainbow. “I plan to take down Cloppy Flay!” The crowd gasped as the camera zoomed on a smug pony, with a messy styled mane and superior demeanor, along with a taco cutie mark. “It’s on, common pony!” Cloppy Flay shouted. “I will slay you, with the power of pretentious, Southwestern pony cooking…with a lot more fancy ingredients!”

Rainbow gulped as the audience shrilled to a new level of excitement. She knew her best friends were watching at home, despite her show-boating ways, and she was anxious. Chef Rainbow Dash and Cloppy Flay waited with the tension of a hundred knives for the secret ingredient. “I so have this in the bag!” Rainbow thought to herself, as she licked her lips and adjusted her hat in preparation for the challenge. The Chairman Pony made an exuberant gesture as he cued for the curtains to rise. “And the secret ingredient is…”  The audience went silent with the complete suspension. Cloppy waited to pounce on the opportunity as Rainbow Dash prayed for grass or pebbles or bananas.

“Cupcakes!” The Chairman Pony exclaimed, as a colossal, rainbow, frosting -infested, sprinkle-ridden mountain revealed itself from behind the red, velvet curtain. “You have an hour, my chef ponies,” The Chairman Pony announced. Then he made a karate chop and shouted something inaudible in another pony tongue.  The chef ponies were off to work!

Rainbow Dash shuddered in the irony of the insult she threw at Pinkie Pie. She knew little about cooking, and she knew even less about baking. “Shit! How did the song go?” She stuttered to herself, as she preset the oven to 500 degrees. “Put a little chicken in the batter? Add a protein fix?” She promptly added a raw chicken breast to her mixing bowl. On that thought, she also added raw turkey and quail to other pans for baking, along with the cupcakes. “Something sour and something with power?” Rainbow  tried to remember by rote. She promptly added whey powder and lard to some of her mixtures. “Sugar is always good, right?” Rainbow asked herself as she added a pound of brown sugar and a cup of molasses to her creations.  She added some other pairings to make things well balanced and healthy!

Cloppy Flay introduced his lineup first. “For my first course, I have a reduced cupcake bisque with aromatic effect. Then you shall have the filet minon with cupcake sauce and mashed cupcake mash. After that, here is a palette cleansing cupcake tartar with caviar, and for dessert, a cupcake, in its most delicate and primitive form.” The judges “ooohed”  and “ahhed” as they licked their plates and begged for more.

“And what do you have for the judges, Chef Dash?” The Chairman asked. “Umm…” Rainbow gulped, hoping her impromptu recipes would flip the bill. “I have this…ummm…sushi chicken cupcake with protein juice.” The judge ponies, a unicorn producer from the network, an understudy for the Wonder Bolts and a pony who spoke a different language, cringed in disgust at the undercooked monstrosity.  “Then I have turkey dinner cupcake surprise.” The foreign pony took a bite of course one ad promptly started throwing-up and convulsing. “As my final course,” Rainbow boasted with an unknown source of hidden pride. “I have my protein cupcakes, all the health benefits of protein bars and shakes, but…it’s a cupcake!”

The judge stared at their plates, and without even tasting the portions, whispered their decision to The Chairman Pony. “Wow!” He shouted with too much excitement. “There has never been such an obvious win declared in such a short period of time!” He smiled widely as he announced the winner. “With a score of 100 vs 10, the winner is Cloppy Flay!” The Earth ponies, pegasai and unicorns in the stands stamped their hoops with praise, after watching a most entertaining episode of the popular show.

Rainbow Dash hung her head and shame and flew home to Ponyville, without even taking her consolation prize, a set of cooking knives and a Huffy Bicycle. She came to the local bar in Ponyville to find her friends, waiting in a corner booth with an ice cream sundae and a buck shot drink special for her. Pinkie Pie looked bitter, but the rest looked amused.  “We saw you had a rough night, Sugar Cube,” Apple Jack laughed. “Wanna drink?”

Rainbow gladly accepted the beverage with her best friends, and before they made a toast, she interrupted. “I’m so sorry, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie!” I made such a mule of myself at your expense. I hope you can forgive me.” She sheepishly looked-up to her friends, and Pinkie Pie finally cracked a smile. She began to have a giggle seizure and rolled on the floor uncontrollably. “Oh, Rainbow Dash!” She squealed as she hyperventilated. “I can’t stay mad at you after that display!” she continued giggling until she faded from pink to purple to blue. Twilight Sparkle threw an arm around her friend. “I just hope you learned your lesson, Rainbow.” She whispered creepily into her ear, “Plagiarism is wrong!”

Posted in blogging, Bronies, Cutie Mark, Derpy Hooves, Iron Chef, My Little Pony, Pinkie Pie, published, Rarity, shenanigans, Uncategorized, writing | 1 Comment

Something Wicked Friday Comes

Posted on June 24, 2011 by purrrentice

This has been a relatively promising week, especially when compared to last week. I had a phone interview on Monday, and I made the first cut! I will have another interview tomorrow. Yay! I was able to skip work all afternoon on Wednesday to volunteer for our company. I egg washed tons of chicken! It was fun, and it was great to help out Project Open Hand. I may think about doing meal delivery one weekend. Then yesterday I made this amazing breakfast for my friends:

I make my b-fast with love. Poptart cat Breakfast, complete with pancake extremities, double rainbow bacon and some seriously cheesy eggs

The only little twinge of annoyance I feel today, other than the fact 3:00 just can’t get here soon enough, stems from my company blogging. I have been writing articles like the one I did this week about Denim on the runway and how to get the look through the power of arts and crafts for a long time. Guess who gets her own blog about fashion and glamor and all that is fabulous and Rarity? Not me. The high-school girl who models for Pur and got an internship with the company because she’s buddy-buddy with the VP of marketing did. Ugh. I guess I should have been born just under six feet tall with a twenty inch waist, but at least I make fashion fun!!

I actually wrote this week’s song a few weeks ago, but I wanted a Joie Brown illustration very badly. She also wanted to do it very badly, so I postponed this song until she could finish a piece for me. Here it is. Bask in the glory that is a Prentice and Joie production! We need a celebrity combo name, like Prowie or Joientice or Jrentiwie.

Spick & Span
To the song “Popular” from the musical Wicked

Prentice: Fridgie, now that we’re friends, I’ve decided to make you my new project.

Fridgie: You really don’t have to do that –

Prentice: I know! That’s what makes me so nice!

(cue music)

Whenever I see someone less fortunate than I,
and let’s face it! Who isn’t less fortunate than I?
My tender heart tends to start to bleed,
and when some fridge needs a makeover,
I’ve simply got to take over!
I know! I know exactly what it needs,
and even in your case…though it’s the toughest case I’ve yet to face,
don’t worry! I’m determined to succeed! Follow my lead,
and yes indeed…you…will…be…

Spick & Span! You’re gonna be spick & span!
I’ll throw out that old bok choy and some chick’s La Croix,
other foods left by our staff. Ooh!
You’ll look like a billionaire once I take those pears,
and everything that really counts to be
spick & span! I’ll help you be spick & span!
We’ll deport sour milk by quarts,
with some chocolate tortes ,
and destroy the overflow,
so let’s start, ‘cause you’ve got  an awfully long way to go!

Don’t be offended by my frank analysis,
think of it as rationality dialysis.
Now that I’ve chosen to become a
pal, a receptionist,
none else is wisest,
not when it comes to spick & span!
I know about spick and span,
and with an assist from me,
to be what you’ll be,
instead of yucky who you were – oh! – are!
There’s nothing that can stop you from becoming Spick and Span! Ha!

La! Laaaa! La! La!
You’ll be spick & span,
but not quite as spick & span
as meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Posted in Beauty, BFF, blogging, chores, executives, Funny Poetry, Job Interview, meme, MLP FiM Abridged, office, poetry, Rarity, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, writing | 1 Comment

On the Verge of the Verge

Posted on June 18, 2011 by purrrentice

This week was a doozie. I’m going to play plus minus plus and throw in funny work poems. First, here is a limerick I wrote to inform the office that the gigantic, dinosaur printer was broken:

The printer is broken and sad,
Please do not get cranky and mad,
It is out of commission,
but fear not! Please listen!
It is just for today, so be glad!

There were a couple pluses for the week. I hit the studio to do my lines for My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Abridged. My Rarity is going to blow your minds. It was a ton of fun! Perhaps I will take pics and/or video the next session. I also met-up with some friends that night and hit a fun birthday party the next night. I had a blog posted this week about pants and another with a Pinkie Pie reference about lipstick.

As for minuses, where do I begin?  How about minutes after I clocked-in on Tuesday? I was scolded for clocking-out at 4:59 last week, and I was a five minutes late on Monday. This offended me. 99% of the time I am in between 7:55 and 7:58 and out between 5:02 to 5:15. My routine good doings matter not. I don’t even want to discuss the horrific, karaoke faux pas that my husband signed-me up for against my will. Must…repress…bad…singing…I freaking hate karaoke, unless it is at a Korean Karaoke room or a karaoke bar. Even then, I don’t like it much. I suppose I’m not really as great a performer as I’d like to be. Repress!

Madea never intended for Grit Ball to be used on little girls. C'est la vie.

I was so strung-out by Thursday that I really wanted to call-in sick. I have a deep fear of calling-out, which is blog worthy in itself. I decided to go to work first and see how things went. Within about ten minutes, I realized it wasn’t happening, and I asked to go home. I DO have lots of sick time to use, and I feel like it was considerate of me to come-in and give my manager time to make arrangements (especially since there are only 2.5 people in my department now). My manager let me leave after a few hours, saying that today I could go, but she won’t be able to make this happen every time. And like every time I try to use sick time, it was soon thrown in my face like a pot full of steamy, cheese grits.

Today was the worst of all. I actually felt great at first, since I slept all day Thursday. I planned on getting gas and hitting the Home Depot during lunch. What I didn’t know when I hit the QT was my husband borrowed my credit card and forgot to return it. I was stranded at the gas station, frantically trying to get gas in my empty car. I suppose the conversation I had with Nick was in Chinese, because he never found me. I had to coast back to work on gas fumes, and I was eight minutes late. Still stressed about the email scolding, I was proactive and explained to my manager what happened. She didn’t care. She said that this combined with my leaving early “ looks really bad.” When I asked why, because the two had nothing to do with one another, she said that I should have gotten gas yesterday during my sick time, and things like this should not happen again. I felt bullied. I can’t win. Nothing I do is good enough, and the only time I’m noticed is when I do something bad, like clock-out at 4:59 or marry a man who forgets shit sometimes.

Bad Prentice! You suck!

On top of that, I got another rejection letter for my kids’ book series.

Poor Joie is having a rough week, too, and she didn’t have time to finish the epic fridge piece we planned. No worries though. I plan to post this wicked fridge piece next week and it should be quite popular…

Instead, I whipped-up this poem in about ten or so minutes. I may not be a winner right now, but at least I’m fast:

An acrostic is a poem or other form of writing in which the first letter, syllable or word of each line, paragraph or other recurring feature in the text spells out a word or a message.

Remember it is Friday,

Everybody, heed my memo,

For the love of all the nachos,

Ravioli and pimento,

Immediately, Instantaneously,

Go to the break room, now.

Eat all of your yummy chow.

Remove the food, or so I vow,

A catastrophic cleaning,

The fridge will be aflame,

Only because you never came,

Remember, you’re to blame!

Posted in Beauty, blogging, Bronies, bullying, Cheese, Childrens' books, chores, epic fail, Funny Poetry, limerick, managers, MLP FiM Abridged, Mr. Socks, My Little Pony, Need New Job, office, Pinkie Pie, poetry, QT, Rarity, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, Worst song ever, writing | 1 Comment

bummed and bummin it

Posted on June 12, 2011 by purrrentice

Okay, I am bummed this week and bummining it! I may or may not have a published blog with Pur, and it seems my internship is ignoring me in regards to my mascara article. I was also blown off from a phone interview, and it is my fault for being sad because I let myself get my hopes up. There are other things, too, but rather than blubber, I Will share fridge shit, which is what you came for anyways:

Univocalic poetry – constricted writing in which one vowel is used.

Stroll off to yon cold box now not tomorow, or for long lost foods do not sob. Show no sorrow!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Advanced Receptionist Skills: 5 More Things Every Admin Should Know

Posted on June 8, 2011 by purrrentice

You may or may not remember the post I did about the ad I found in the mail for receptionist classes and my own Receptionist 101 Online Course. Well, these jerk wads somehow got my work email and have been spamming me lately with ads for more classes.

Lame…so lame.

I despise job-related scams and scammy but still legal things like this, so after letting three of these ads annoy me, I unscribed. They wanted to know why. My response:

“Why would anybody in his or her right mind want to pay to learn to improve on working the lamest job in an office? I feel sorry for people who actually think these classes will help them find success. Being a receptionist is tough, but I never felt a need to drop a hundred buckaroos to be lectured on how to effectively be an office slave. Maybe your ridiculous classes should focus on how to help poor admins stuck in a shitty job find more rewarding work or move-up in a company, not how to get deeper in the secretarial hole of busywork and dead-end jobs.”

If you’re wondering “How can I take my secretarial bad assery to the next level of awesome?” look no further. Save your hard-earned dough, and listen to what Miss Prentice has to say about conquering the front desk.

1. Looking Busy

This is a very important skill to have, if you want to avoid getting buried in other peoples’ busywork. I’ve been perfecting this since my days at AMC, sweeping imaginary popcorn to not look available. Remember, nobody’s paying attention to you at the front desk. You’re invisible, so as long as you’re typing and staring at a screen, you look busy. People probably think I’m doing something really important right now…

2. Peeing Fast

This is one of my many useless talents. I can go to the bathroom faster than boys, and it’s handy here at the office. I no longer get breaks, so I have to make potty time snappy. Before I was allowed to leave my desk unattended to relieve myself, I would time myself when I had to end my potty dance, and I can be there and back in less than a minute. Yeah. Be stunned and amazed.

3. Multi-tasking

My job is truly, truly truly outrageous!

When I say a receptionist needs to multitask, I don’t mean you should be juggling just work related work. I mean you need to make proper use of office hours for yourself.  If you are a truly, truly truly outrageous secretary, you can do everything you need to do in a day before leaving the office. For instance, I can job hunt, write a personal blog, do time sheets, paint my toes, chat with Joie on Facebook, sort the mail, answer phones, write a work blog, go grocery shopping, write a fridge poem, work on the MLP Abridged script, drink eight glasses of water and ship ten packages before clocking out for the day. If you take nothing else from this lesson, take this.

4. Saying No

I’m working on this one. Learn to say no when you can. Yes doesn’t seem to do any good. All it’s gotten me thus far is a pile of stupid work and a picture of the worst zit I’ve ever had on a makeup box. Heck. I said no yesterday. I was asked if I could wash my face with a wash that was still in development. I already was thinking no because I didn’t want to be bare faced all day, but then I saw a girl screaming “MY EYES!” Apparently eye irritation was what they were testing, but they didn’t want to tell me that. My answer? “Umm…no.”

5. Perks

There are a handful of perks to being a receptionist, but you must look hard to find them. For instance, I can print all kinds of stuff with the marketing-grade printer, and I never pay for postage. I also get first dibs on free stuff. Let’s not forget Friday grocery shopping from the fridge.

Posted in Advice, blogging, Joie Brown, Mail, MLP FiM Abridged, Need New Job, office, receptionist, Receptionist Class, refrigerator, shenanigans | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

Beer + Disney Movie = Fridge Song

Posted on June 6, 2011 by purrrentice

Late posting again?!?!!? Argh! I’ve been ridiculously busy this weekend.

I worked for Honest Tea all day Saturday for a festival in Virginia Highlands. It was fun, but after being in the sun for over nine hours, I was ready to go home. I had a Skype conference with the My Little Pony Abridged peeps, and we finished the script for episode two!! Yay! I can’t wait to practice my lines and record! Today I worked on this horrendous flower bed in my yard that was taken over by weeds, and I finished the guest bedroom. My poor hands are torn-up from opening hundreds of bottles of tea with wet hands (the ice in the cooler melted in the nearly 100 degree weather and made my hands pruney) and shoveling the flower bed until it ripped skin off my finger.

Hooray for Hello Kitty Band Aids!!

Job prospects with Honest Tea are looking good. I had to call my boss’s boss to get the new storage code on Friday, and we had a nice discussion. I ended up telling her about how I applied for a full time position, got a part time position and then didn’t get called to work until about six months later. When she asked about my availability and contact info, she asked for my resume, because they would be hiring soon.  Sweet!

Nothing too exciting happened at the office. Here is an article I wrote about not getting fat off of ice cream over the summer. I used the word “crunk” in it, but my editor took it out because he thought some of the office peeps were too stuffy for that. Lol.

I got tipsy and watched The Lion King on Thursday night, and this happened:

I Just Can’t Wait to be Clean! (A duet with Prentice and The Fridge)
To The Lion King Song I Just Can’t Wait to be King

I’m gonna be so mighty clean,
so messy creeps beware!

Well, I’ve never seen a Frigidaire,
so full of Tupperware!

I’m gonna be 20 percent,
cooler than once before!
I’m brushing up on throwing down,
and emptying my doors!

Thus far a rather indigestible scene,

Oh I just can’t WAIT to be clean!

There isn’t any food left,
not a morsel nor bite!
Everywhere you look I’m ,
squeaky clean and so bright!

NOT YET!

Let every office creature get their things,
Their beans and chicken wings and salad greens!
It’s gonna be the fridge’s finest fling! (Woah! Yeah!) 

Oh I just can’t WAIT to be clean!
Oh I just can’t WAIT to be clean!
Oh I just can’t WAIT to be clean!

 

Posted in Beauty, blogging, Bronies, chores, Derpy Hooves, Honest Tea, MLP FiM Abridged, My Little Pony, Need New Job, office, parody, poetry, Rarity, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, writing | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Origins of the Fridge Song: My Lifetime Love Affair with Song Parodies

Posted on May 31, 2011 by purrrentice

Back in October I gave a brief history of the fridge poem, the Big Bang of of my office fame and this blog. Today, we’re going to take an in-depth look at the origins my fridge-related song parodies.

I have loved song parodies since I was a child, when my dad and I secretly wrote an inappropriate arrangement of The Twelve Days of Christmas. I don’t remember all the lyrics, but I wrote them down and hid them in the basement. Someday I’ll find it amongst the clutter and have a great ROFL. Not long after that I wrote my first original song. Strangely enough, it was also Christmas themed. It was a holiday hymn. It happened when I was pestering my dad one day with the typical, annoying complaint of  a child, “I’m booorrred.” My dad replied “Go write a song then.” Well, he was kidding, but when I came back an hour later with a complete piece, I’m pretty sure he crapped his pants. Apparently, deadlines were never a problem for me.

The next parody I remember writing after that was of the Backstreet Boys song I Want it That Way. I was called You are a Bad Lay. I was in middle school, so of course it was sex-themed. Prepubescent kids are always too interested in their newfound knowledge about the birds and the bees. My dad may have helped with that one, too. I wondered why he wasn’t concerned about this until I read this now as an adult. I clearly knew nothing about sex, except what I was previously told, so he probably found this an amusing relief.

You are a Bad Lay
To the Backstreet Boys’ I Want it That Way 

You have no fire,
and I don’t desire,
you in any way,
cuz you are a baaaad lay!

Tell me why!
You’d never make it as a whore,
Tell me why!
Having sex with you is such a bore,
Tell me why!
I never really wanted to say,
that you are a bad lay!

This is an example of good Sailor Moon cosplay (Actually we are Eternal Sailor Moon and Venus). Note that we at least somewhat resemble the characters and made fashion choices that flattered our bodies. I am not wearing a string bikini or flaunting any icky bits that nobody wants to see with see through fabric.

I know I wrote other silly parodies plenty in high school, but these next ones had to do with making fun of bad cosplay. It’s kinda mean, but I still don’t understand why certain people wear certain costumes and do this to themselves. Joie and I were great cosplayers, and part of making a great costume is knowing what you should and shouldn’t wear. Fat chicks are bold though. I have to give them kudos for that…even if I relish laughing at bad Sailor Moon Costumes:

Chubby Moon
To the Sailor Moon Theme Song

Eating tacos by moonlight
eating pizza by daylight,
never running from a food fight,
she is the one named Chubby Moon!

She would never turn her back on her plate,
she wears a mini skirt even though she’s overweight,
her only chance for love is on a blind date,
she is the one named Chubby Moon!

She is the one! Chubby Moon!

The first work-related song parody either came from AMC Theatres or Henry’s Louisiana Grill. I constantly kept two or more jobs during college, so there is heavy debate on this. Both are important nuggets of useless history, so I’ll just start with AMC, since I started working there first. I wanted to write a parody for each basic position at the theatre, and my first was for concession:

Pop That Popcorn One More Time
To Britney Spears’s …Baby One More Time

Oh OH AMC (uh),

Mmmm. Pop this pop queen some pop corn!

How was I supposed to know,
that popcorn wasn’t right? Yeah!
The popcorn popper,
was broken! I didn’t know,
And now that stuff is burnin’.

Yummy is how popcorn’s supposed to be.
AMC (uh),
is it time to go…now? Woah! Because,

Concession shifts are killing me (And I),
I must confess, it’s time to leave (Time to leave),
Eight hour confession shift! I lose my mind!
Is it closing tiiiiime? No!
Pop that popcorn one more time!

At Henry’s Louisiana Grill, I started off as the head hostess and eventually cross-trained to wait tables. I loved my bussers, and I was always really nice to them. I told one he was so great that he was like the Batman of dirty tables, and I sang the old, Adam West Batman song for him:

Quick, Robin! Get me my dirty dish repellent!

Na na na na na na na na
BUS MAN!
Na na na na na na na na
BUS MAN! 

The bus man shocked me one day because he was so fast I didn’t see him clear my table. When I asked for his trick, he said he could travel along the walls and ceilings. I then stated that Batman was the wrong hero for him then. He was clearly Spider Man:

Busser Man! Busser Man!
Your friendly restaurant busser man.
Wealth and fame, he’s ignored.
Dishes are his reward.
Watch Out!!
Here comes the busser man!

There was also a hostess who would take bus boys shifts, and she wanted a song, too. I obliged:

To the Song Barbie Girl

I’m a busser girl,
in a busser girl.
I’ll pick-up your plate,
because I am so great.
I will run your food,
and clean-up oh so good.
Restraurant nation!
Bussing’s your creation!

I wrote others, too, for both jobs, but I’m too lazy to type them all. Finally, I started this receptionist job after AMC pissed me off for the last time. The fridge poems started in November 2009, and I first incorporated song parodies in December of 2009 for Christmas, when I wrote Prentice The Rad Receptionist and New Year’s Eve:

To Auld Lang Syne

Should old leftovers be forgot,
And wasted? Left Behind?
No Meals nor snacks should be forgot,
For auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my friends,
For auld lang syne,
Before two I will trash your stash,
For auld lang syne!

My first pop reference came about on January 22, 2010, when I decided to let Beyonce clean the fridge:

Hungry Ladies

 All the hungry ladies! All the hungry ladies!
All the hungry ladies! All the hungry ladies!
All the hungry ladies! All the hungry ladies!
All the hungry ladies! Put your food up!

It’s ‘bout time to go. It seems long ago,
Since you stashed your onion rings.
Your chips and dip, and now you wanna trip,
Cuz I’m gonna chunk your Lean Cuisine.

I need no permission, Cuz I mentioned,
This via e-mail. Pay attention!
You’ve had your turn. Now you’re gonna learn.
What happens Friday after I clean.

If you liked it then you should have put a claim on it!
If you liked it then you should have put a claim on it!
Don’t be mad once you see that I tossed it!
If you liked it then you should have put a claim on it!

And thus the epic combination of song, fridges and a receptionist on the verge emerged!!

Posted in Big Bang, Christmas, Cosplay, office, parody, Sailor Moon, shenanigans, song writing, writing | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Constrictions and Constrictive Writing

Posted on May 29, 2011 by purrrentice

Wow. Is it already Sunday?! I’ve been meaning to post Friday’s fridge poem, but I was too busy peeling wallpaper in my guest bedroom, and playing with Mario Paint while under the influence of ponies:

Man! This video quality sucks. I couldn’t find the charger for my less crappy camera, so I settled with the regular crappy one. I feel it fits the old school, outdated theme of using Mario Paint in the first place.

Speaking of crappy videos, I was in a not crappy one this week. Work was especially awful for some reason, probably because of Post Disney Depression. It happens to the best of us. Anyways, I had no qualms with dropping what I was doing to help IT with a prank. It ends up what I thought was going to be a prank was IT’s presentation for the company’s town hall meeting. So, just in case I’m not already the weirdest person in the office, this probably seals the deal. It was made it less than 24 hours, and I’m immensely amused and in awe simultaneously by it:

I probably also had a long week because last Thursday was my two year milestone with the receptionist job. This bothers me because I remember saying “I’ll be out of here before two years,” and I failed. I think I’m going to print copies of my resume and force all the heads of all the departments to read them. They have forgotten that I’m not an 18-year-old girl fresh out of high school. To mourn this devastating occasion, I have almost finished Receptionist Blues. I hope to record it soon.

I am quickly running out of poetic forms to do for the fridge poems, probably because I’ve been doing this for almost two years. I recently came upon a list of types of constrained writing while researching palindromes, and I love constrained writing! I planned on doing a palindrome this week, but it is so difficult that it will take more time to finish, so I chose another form on constrained writing called an Alliterative. It was fun to write, and it turned into a patriotic theme, just in time for Memorial Day! Enjoy.

Alliterative – A form of constrained writing in which each word of a sentence starts with one letter.

Fridges Fighting For Freedom

Frustrated fridges frequently fight fussily for freedom from forgotten, frightening, forsaken, festering, feta-filled, fishy, fried, frothy, funky, fruity-flavored, frostbitten foodstuffs.

I am awaiting a call from FEMA for a temporary writing position I applied for. The call would happen this weekend for an interview, and though I don’t expect itl, I can still hope, right? I’m also a bit bummed that PRIMP has not posted or given me any feedback on the mascara article I wrote. Ooh! And I got my first response about my Mr. Socks books…it was a rejection. Lame.

I tried my hand at script writing this week for My Little Pony Abridged. When I ran my ideas by my costars via Skype, they didn’t seem to like them. Perhaps expressing my thoughts on a page in script format will help. My humor is a bit different than what they are bringing to the table, and I think a good mix of jokes and humor will improve the show a lot. We just need to get a script written. I wanna hit the studio!

 

Posted in blogging, Bronies, Childrens' books, chores, epic fail, Makeup Reviews, MLP FiM Abridged, Mr. Socks, Music, My Little Pony, Need New Job, office, parody, poetry, PRIMP, Rarity, receptionist, refrigerator, shenanigans, writing | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment