Prentice, this post needs to be about 20% cooler...

Many people spend their Saturday nights in a dance club or partying. I spent mine participating in the Equestria Daily Speed Fan Fiction Contest. Basically, MLP fans had two hours to write a short story about Rainbow Dash being a bad cook. I had a ton of fun writing my piece. It was a rush to think-up an idea, put it together, write it and submit it in less than two hours. I made it, and I was bummed to find out the response was so overwhelming that there won’t be winners. Mine is posted though. It’s #7. Check it out.

I have only gotten a small amount of feedback so far, mostly generalized comments about the top ten or so pieces being good despite the constraints, but there is one weirdo who tried to read them all and judge them. He didn’t like mine at all, giving it a minus and adding the word “EDITING” in all caps because I had more than two typos. I hate the fact that this loser, who clearly has nothing better to do with his life than read over 100 short stories about cooking, cartoon ponies and obviously didn’t write a speed fic himself, is getting under my skin. Apparently somebody already wrote a MLP/ Iron Chef crossover as a real fanfic done with lots of time and thought and no predetermined plot line, and my speed fiction sucked in comparison. Really? Get over yourself, seriously. Some nerds can be so  cruel. Some other person liked it well enough, but of course it is the Negative Nerdy Nancy who gets to me. Oh well, this piece sucks a little, but here it is.I would fix it a bit, but I’m just over it.

Iron Hoof Equestria

“Oh…my…God!”

Rainbow Dash spun in corkscrews across Ponyville while reading the letter she had just received form the derpy-looking mailpony. Excitement filled her lungs and veins, and she tingled as she blabbed, “OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!” She landed in front of Pinkie Pie, the pink earth pony jumping in anticipation, ready to celebrate whatever success Rainbow Dash was experiencing. “What is it, Rainbow?” She gasped. “Did you make it into the Wonder Bolts? Win the Ponyville Raffle? Find five dollars in the pocket of an old pair of pony jeans?”

Rainbow finished cackling in a raspy chortle before responding. “No! Even better!” Pinkie’s eyes grew large in anticipation. “You won tickets to visit Candy Mountain?!” Twilight Sparkle, Apple Jack, Rarity and Fluttershy arrived as Rainbow Dash answered, “No way! I made it onto Iron Hoof, that super competitive cooking show!”

Everypony cringed. It was common knowledge around Ponyville that Rainbow Dash was a terrible cook. She thought her recipes were “the bomb” and “created for a very defined palette,” but everypony who was anypony knew that any dish prepared by Rainbow Dash should be taken with a grain of salt, or a whole bottle of antacids. Already foreseeing disaster in the future, Twilight tried to intervene.

“Rainbow, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Ummm… of course! Why wouldn’t I accept the challenge to showcase my original recipes against the best of the best? The Wonder Bolts of the culinary world?”

Twilight rolled her eyes and growled, “This isn’t about that report you wanted me to write about-“

“The history, importance, and future of healthy and delicious recipes for pony restaurants and homes around Equestria?” Rainbow Dash Blushed. “Maybe. I may have copy and pasted that report you made as my entry letter…”

“Rainbow!” Twilight Sparkle yelled. “That’s plagiarism!”

Rainbow Dash chuckled uncomfortably. “You’re welcome…”

“For what?!”

The other ponies crowded around Rainbow Dash. She paced in circles, trying to adopt her most effective defense stance against five ponies. It was the over excited Pinkie Pie who struck first.

“Would you like some of my favorite cupcake recipes?” She batted her eyes sweetly. “I even have a song to help you remember them!” She started to sing “All you have to do is add a cup of flour to mix…”

“No way!” Rainbow Dash cackled in a puffed-up, pretentious manner. “I have all the food-cooking know how in my noggin!” I’m off! The show starts tonight!”

Rainbow Dash flew off in a flash, leaving a sonic rainboom as a trailing reminisces of her enthusiasm. Pinkie Pie pouted with disdain. “I’m a way better cook than she is! How could she be so – “ Rarity squealed “So Rainbow Dash?” She chortled into incomprehensible laughs and Applejack finished “You know stubborn she is, Sugar Cube.”  Fluttershy added “Yeah, ummm…she will..probably…ummm…” Twilight finished, “Fail. I love Rainbow, but there is now way her grass protein fritters with hay glaze or her pebble and banana soup can win. Let her just enjoy her moment in the spotlight.”

Rainbow Dash flew with such speed and enthusiasm that she made it to Canterlot in record time. “That’s gotta be a good sign.” She grinned ear to ear as she sauntered her way to Pony Food Network’s Iron Hoof, Pony Kitchen Stadium. “This is in the bag,” Rainbow gloated. “I will surely win.” Her wings twitched involuntarily as she made a majestic entrance into the studio.

The Chairman Pony had almond eyes and a majestic, flowing, black mane. His cutie mark was a set of cooking knives, and he immediately greeted Rainbow Dash with a “ Good luck and good cooking!” Stage ponies grabbed Rainbow Dash before she could bombard The Chairman Pony with queries and praise, and they forced her into an apron and chef’s hat. Before she knew it, the show had begun, and her knees began to chatter with nervousness.

“The time again has come to answer life’s most savory question.” The announcer pony shouted to the large, sold-out crowd of live viewers. “ Whose cuisine reigns supreme?  This is Iron Hoof Equestria! A delectable Canternese tradition has taken root in Canterlot soil. We have been graced with the establishment of our own Pony Kitchen Stadium, where our nimble Chairman Pony has brought together the pungent flavors of East and West. It is here, where the best of the best around the world meet and face the ultimate gourmet challenge.”

Rainbow Dash was sweating bullets as the announcer finished the introduction. The audience applauded as The Chairman introduced her as the challenger. “Welcome! Where has your inspiration for cooking come from?” The Chairman Pony inquired. “Oh,” Rainbow sighed in as nonchalant a manner as possible. “I just picked it up. Culinary prowess is second nature to me, like making a sonic rainboom and spinning clouds.” The Chairman’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “How impressive!” The audience roared. “Now, who will you choose as your competitor? Pony Pora? Mario Fillypony? Masasaddle Morimoto?

“NO!” Shouted Rainbow. “I plan to take down Cloppy Flay!” The crowd gasped as the camera zoomed on a smug pony, with a messy styled mane and superior demeanor, along with a taco cutie mark. “It’s on, common pony!” Cloppy Flay shouted. “I will slay you, with the power of pretentious, Southwestern pony cooking…with a lot more fancy ingredients!”

Rainbow gulped as the audience shrilled to a new level of excitement. She knew her best friends were watching at home, despite her show-boating ways, and she was anxious. Chef Rainbow Dash and Cloppy Flay waited with the tension of a hundred knives for the secret ingredient. “I so have this in the bag!” Rainbow thought to herself, as she licked her lips and adjusted her hat in preparation for the challenge. The Chairman Pony made an exuberant gesture as he cued for the curtains to rise. “And the secret ingredient is…”  The audience went silent with the complete suspension. Cloppy waited to pounce on the opportunity as Rainbow Dash prayed for grass or pebbles or bananas.

“Cupcakes!” The Chairman Pony exclaimed, as a colossal, rainbow, frosting -infested, sprinkle-ridden mountain revealed itself from behind the red, velvet curtain. “You have an hour, my chef ponies,” The Chairman Pony announced. Then he made a karate chop and shouted something inaudible in another pony tongue.  The chef ponies were off to work!

Rainbow Dash shuddered in the irony of the insult she threw at Pinkie Pie. She knew little about cooking, and she knew even less about baking. “Shit! How did the song go?” She stuttered to herself, as she preset the oven to 500 degrees. “Put a little chicken in the batter? Add a protein fix?” She promptly added a raw chicken breast to her mixing bowl. On that thought, she also added raw turkey and quail to other pans for baking, along with the cupcakes. “Something sour and something with power?” Rainbow  tried to remember by rote. She promptly added whey powder and lard to some of her mixtures. “Sugar is always good, right?” Rainbow asked herself as she added a pound of brown sugar and a cup of molasses to her creations.  She added some other pairings to make things well balanced and healthy!

Cloppy Flay introduced his lineup first. “For my first course, I have a reduced cupcake bisque with aromatic effect. Then you shall have the filet minon with cupcake sauce and mashed cupcake mash. After that, here is a palette cleansing cupcake tartar with caviar, and for dessert, a cupcake, in its most delicate and primitive form.” The judges “ooohed”  and “ahhed” as they licked their plates and begged for more.

“And what do you have for the judges, Chef Dash?” The Chairman asked. “Umm…” Rainbow gulped, hoping her impromptu recipes would flip the bill. “I have this…ummm…sushi chicken cupcake with protein juice.” The judge ponies, a unicorn producer from the network, an understudy for the Wonder Bolts and a pony who spoke a different language, cringed in disgust at the undercooked monstrosity.  “Then I have turkey dinner cupcake surprise.” The foreign pony took a bite of course one ad promptly started throwing-up and convulsing. “As my final course,” Rainbow boasted with an unknown source of hidden pride. “I have my protein cupcakes, all the health benefits of protein bars and shakes, but…it’s a cupcake!”

The judge stared at their plates, and without even tasting the portions, whispered their decision to The Chairman Pony. “Wow!” He shouted with too much excitement. “There has never been such an obvious win declared in such a short period of time!” He smiled widely as he announced the winner. “With a score of 100 vs 10, the winner is Cloppy Flay!” The Earth ponies, pegasai and unicorns in the stands stamped their hoops with praise, after watching a most entertaining episode of the popular show.

Rainbow Dash hung her head and shame and flew home to Ponyville, without even taking her consolation prize, a set of cooking knives and a Huffy Bicycle. She came to the local bar in Ponyville to find her friends, waiting in a corner booth with an ice cream sundae and a buck shot drink special for her. Pinkie Pie looked bitter, but the rest looked amused.  “We saw you had a rough night, Sugar Cube,” Apple Jack laughed. “Wanna drink?”

Rainbow gladly accepted the beverage with her best friends, and before they made a toast, she interrupted. “I’m so sorry, Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie!” I made such a mule of myself at your expense. I hope you can forgive me.” She sheepishly looked-up to her friends, and Pinkie Pie finally cracked a smile. She began to have a giggle seizure and rolled on the floor uncontrollably. “Oh, Rainbow Dash!” She squealed as she hyperventilated. “I can’t stay mad at you after that display!” she continued giggling until she faded from pink to purple to blue. Twilight Sparkle threw an arm around her friend. “I just hope you learned your lesson, Rainbow.” She whispered creepily into her ear, “Plagiarism is wrong!”