I feel 2011 is already off to a good start. I won a battle (but not the war) with my most hated task: Inputting time sheets for makeup artists. For the last year and a half or so, I printed the original sheets, logged all the data into TWO different spreadsheets, handed them to payroll, and received copies of the originals to file. Filing these are a pain, and I always wondered what happened to the originals, so I asked last week. The girl told me she filed them. ??? “Then why do I have to file copies, too?” I asked. She didn’t know. It was just the way it was always done. Upon further review, we found out there was no reason for us to file both the originals and copies, so starting next week, I don’t have to file them! Yay me for being assertive! I still have to input them though. Boo.

I also did my personal review portion of the company’s employee evaluation. I swear. The process for evaluations at this company is so inconsistent. Last year my manager first did a pre-evaluation evaluation (yes, that’s what she called it), and then I didn’t even get a real one because of some supposed new policy never listed in the handbook. I’m not going to tell the whole story now. It pisses me off too much. Actually, my manager FORGOT to even tell me about this at all, so I waited until my year milestone, like the handbook (that hasn’t been officially updated since 2007) said to do. Back to my story, I AM getting a review this year, and I get to rank and explain my strengths, weaknesses, career interests, and four behavior objectives that my manager chose for me last year after either the pre-evaluation evaluation or the nonexistant, imaginary one. I went all super assertive on this and made it quite clear that I do a lot of work very well and definitely want to get away from the front desk. I even stapled my professional and acting/music/modeling resumes on the back to remind them I’m not stupid and without skills. I don’t think anything will come of this, but it felt good to write all those honest and mostly positive things about myself, especially in a career-driven context.

Of course, I planned to do a New Year’s Eve song/poem today, but I already used Auld Lang Syne  last year (I don’t have that song on file at home, so I’ll add it on Tuesday.). So this week, I decided to do a dramatic monologue. I was the best of my peers at this poetic form in my poetry class.  I have a good voice for easy, natural, conversational writing. I found the piece from class buried in my documents file! Check it out:

The Old Cat Lady

By Prentice Osborne

Well, good morning, Miss Molly,
Florence and Fanny.
How are you ladies today?
I’m just fine, thank you.
You girls look lovely this morning.
You know, back in my day
I was quite a looker myself.
Had boys lining up
for a chance to take me out.
And that one blue dress I had.
Golly. I looked good—
Okay. Alright.
I know you’re hungry.

 
Oh. There’s Tom Tom, Tiger,
Charlie and Abigail.
Here you go. Breakfast is served.
Now I’m going to step out and—
Yes, I know, Señor Whiskers.
I shouldn’t be smoking.
Wow. It looks like a party in that kitchen.
You know, I used to sneak out
and go to parties in my day.
I’d dance with the girls all night long.
Had boys lining up
for a chance to dance with me—

Ah. Hello, Mr. Mittens.
You’re such a handsome young man.
You know, my husband was quite handsome.
He swept me off my feet. That’s for sure.
We used to go dancing together,
and I would dance in his arms all night long.
Then we would talk about everything and share a cigarette
as we walked home.
He was so smart and so fun.
It still seems unfair
that he died in the war—
Aww. Don’t be sad for me,
Mr. Mittens—

Did you see that, Boots and Belle?
Those kids ruined my flower bed again.
Tomorrow we can spend the afternoon together
fixing it, but not today.
Don’t you remember? It’s Thursday.
The girls and I are playing bridge today.
Or was it Pony Tail? It doesn’t matter,
as long as Tabitha brings the Bloody Marys—
Oh. Here’s Lilly, Mittie,
and Mr. Kiddleywinkumpoops.
I’ll go ahead and feed you, too,
but I can’t entertain you all day.
I have important things to do,
like drink, gossip, smoke and play cards

And without further ado, here is your New Year’s Eve present: A fridge monologue…

The Fridge’s Resolution

Illustrated by the fabulous Joie Brown

…It’s New Year’s Eve.
Looking back, last year was a mess,
but it’s not my fault,
because I’m just the fridge,
sitting in an office break room.

I mean, I can’t help it,
that people put food in me,
intending to be thrifty and healthy,
and eat a lunch from home,
but don’t.
I understand.
Going-out is much more fun,
or so I’ve heard,
but how would I know?
I’m just a fridge.
It’s not like I ever leave this breakroom.

At least it’s Friday,
so the receptionist will come by around 1:45,
tickle my ribs,
and free me of all this junk.
I don’t envy her for that,
though I don’t envy myself either,
for having to watch it decompose for over a week.
She took time off,
and when she’s away,
things get nasty real fast.
Seriously, look at this moldy hummus!
And this questionable salad,
that had to be wilted when it arrived,
or so I hope.
Otherwise that means,
I’m broken.

If I could make a resolution for the new year,
I suppose it would be,
to be clean,
but I really have no control over that,
since I’m just I’m just the fridge,
sitting in an office break room.