Mouthgasm. Apple Dumpling.

Despite the fact that I was a tad bit hungover today, I had a wonderful time. My family and I went on our annual day trip to the North GA mountains to do a little hiking and visit the ever popular yet quaint apple barns (We are a Mercier family, btw.). We hiked the steep, freakin’ trail to Brasstown Bald and saw the amazing view from the highest point in GA. A ranger showed me the Atlanta skyline with a set of binoculars! Wow! I could see the city and Stone Mountain from at least 100 miles away!

Just an FYI...smh

I also learned in an apple barn bathroom that after wiping your booty, toilet paper should, in fact, be discarded in the toilet.

One of my very favorite parts of Apple Day is the road trip, especially the music. My parents pop-in the old Peter, Paul and Mary albums I used to listen to as a kid, and I sing along ALL DAY. I absolutely LOVE those songs. Even now they are my favorites. For those of you who don’t know me very well, I have always been musically inclined. I have a wonderful ear and a knack for all that is rhapsodical. I know I was born with most of this ability, but I also give Peter, Paul and Mary a lot of credit. Instead of listening to out-of-tune, kiddy garbage like Kidz Bop and other ear numbing hogwash, I was listening to intricate guitar melodies and learning how to sing harmony by rote. I honestly didn’t know that studios could edit and change performances until I was in high school, so I assumed if you wanted a pitch perfect recording, you had to be able to create the exact sound you wanted, intonation and tone and all.

Peter, Paul and Mary have been a muse for a couple of my office memos. I remember doing a version of “Leaving on  a Jetplane” (Yes, I know it’s a John Denver song, but umm…Mary Travers kinda dominated that piece.) as my out-of-office reply when people forgot I was gone for a whole week and tried to e-mail me work to do. I found the copy today, so here it is:

Leaving on Vacation

 All my bags are packed. I’m ready to go.
I’m clocked out, going out the door.
I thought I’d drop a line to say goodbye.

 But now I’m done working. Oh please don’t mourn,
The weeklong loss of Miss Prentice Osborne.
Already you miss me enough to cry!

 So, don’t e-mail me, asking me
To Fedex boxes overseas.
Please clean-up the break room, as you go.

 ‘Cause I’m leaving on a Vacation.
I’ll be back soon for my vocation.

Even better, I did a fridge poem to the tune “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

Gruff the Magic Icebox

Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.
Little Prentice Osborne cleaned that rascal Gruff.
She trashed hot wings and week-old snacks,
And other nasty stuff! Oh!

Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.
Oh Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.

Together they would travel, to the wise, old, garbage pail.
Prentice fed him Lean Cuisines,
And stale, flat Ginger Ale.
Noble friends of Prentice would take their tangerines,
Tupperwares and lunchtime fares,
Long before five fifteen! Oh!

Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.
Oh Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.

Your food won’t last forever. It will decompose,
Turning green with furry beans,
And it will smell so gross!
One sad day it happened. Prentice Osborne cleaned no more,
And Gruff that mighty icebox,
He skipped and played no more.
His innards became stinky, and mold fell down like rain.
Gruff no longer saw his friend,
The trash can down the lane.
Without his tidy friend, Gruff could not be brave,
So Gruff the magic icebox,
Plunged into a rancid grave. Oh!

Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.
Oh Gruff the magic icebox lived at Northcreek,
And frolicked on the break room floor,
Until he started to reek.