Like many adults do at this time of year, I’ve been looking back on the holidays from when I was a kid. For whatever reason, I got to thinking about a pageant I did in fifth grade. Maybe it’s my thinking about taking acting classes that sparked this. Anyways, it was called Three Wise Men and a Baby, and it was a typical, cheesy, church play about Christmas. At least, that was what I thought at first…

I auditioned to be Mary. She had a dainty little song, and let’s be real. In most circumstances, Mary is the best female role, thus I wanted it. Instead, I was given the role of a wise man. This devastating news of getting the complete opposite of The Virgin Mary made me cry for days…

Until I read the script and learned why I was chosen.

You see, the three wise men had a significant role in the play (Hence the title Three Wise Men and a Baby), and part of that involved a three-part harmony round. Since none of the boys could sing this, all three wise men were played by fourth and fifth grade girls. This made me feel better.

On top of this, I was the comic relief. That’s right. Unlike more traditional plays, this one had humor, and who better to do that? Me! So, I played Binky the stupid wise man! I was essentially the Derpy Hooves of Christmas, and it was marvelous.

The younger kids loved me and called me Binky for months and months afterwards. I wish I had a picture, but I think all my parents have is something called a VHS tape? Whatever. I still know every word of that scene and song and will gladly sing it upon request.

So, take that, Mary! Binky’s rocking the house!

Sadly, that was my high point and last church performance for many years because I was consistently bullied at church, and finally I was told I sucked and should never come back. I guess everyone’s a critic (or a jealous bitch). Advanced chorus and All State were more my jam anywyas. I only sang in secular settings after that, except at the late, Christmas Eve service. I have a soft spot for candlelit Silent Night